September 29, 2015

Episode 3: Chainsaw

Right off the bat: TASER TO THE JUNK! How has no one noticed that the Red Devil is also the school mascot?! Someone else should’ve brought it up by now. I know Barista Boy (Pete) mentioned it when Grace found the costume in this closet but before then, I mean, someone would’ve noticed. Our college mascot was a bear and if someone had said “Oh man a serial killer who wears a Big Bear costume is murdering people!” I’d PROBABLY be like “That’s weird, that is also our mascot, please let me play next in beer pong.”

Who is stealing all these dead bodies indeed! Chanel Number 2 is missing. Just like all the rest. I vote there’s a secret passageway in the freezer because why the fuck not.

“You know how many times it’s, like, ketchup? 0% of the time.” Denise, I am so glad you are here to drop the sass and throw the shade.

CHARISMA CARPENTER! WHAT! MY BUFFY SENSORS ARE GOING CRAZY!

“Is this song during the march Bastille?” I ask. “No. Bone Thugs-N-Harmony,” my visibly disappointed husband replies. I have failed him.

“Your boobs are symmetrical and you shave your box in a hot way.” If only all girls could be so lucky and get such compliments!

I haven’t even THOUGHT about Samantha Ronson in a long time. Weird. Are she and Lindsay Lohan still dating? Is Lindsay Lohan still alive? I have some Googling to do after this.

THERE it is. Finally. And thank you, Jamie Lee Curtis, for trying to make this slightly less complicated. We can’t have everyone dressed up like the Red Devil every five seconds —

Oh. Oh Coney. RIP Coney. I bet.

I missed, you, Cordelia Chase. But you have aged and that makes me realize I have aged and that bums me out but you’re still gorgeous and that’s more than I can say for me.

OH SHIT Chad Overstreet you dog! Who else are you porkin’? Everybody I bet.

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Really, Grace’s weird dad? I love “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” as much as the next horror nerd but that is not the best film by far OH I just saw the face you’re making and you’re most def a murderer.

AAAAAAND Coney is dead in three…two… CALLED IT LIKE FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO!

Red Devil Victim #5 (For Real, Not Like Boone): Coney.

I love this cover. Pink Martini’s version of “Que Sera Sera” is beautiful and was also used in promos for my favorite season of “American Horror Story” (Asylum).

Oh, is Hester going to be the next Chanel? Can I be the next Chanel? I’ll even call Emma Roberts ‘mom’ if I have to (and I really don’t want to).

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I’m glad Chanel Number Three found her soulmate. My soulmate is a cheeseburger with extra onions (don’t tell my husband). Also this backstory is weird but fun. How is Charles Manson gonna factor into this? The Manson Factor is always intriguing.

Told you. Chad Overstreet is porkin’ all the babes.

I need SOMEONE to come get me and give me a Chanel makeover c’monnnnn.

“Chanel says I get to hold her hair back on purge nights.” MORE GOLD.

Followed immediately by “We’re going to play a game called ‘Cocaine or Dildo’.” I CAN’T HANDLE ALL THIS COMEDY GOOOOOOLD!

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This show has taught me something about myself. I am NOT into super preppy dudes in pastel with the inability to grow facial hair.

Anybody could be Bathtub Baby. ANYBODY.

Dropout Greenwell HAS to be 90s Girl. Right?

OMG I am absolutely dying over this violence set to “Backstreet’s Back”.

“Oh hey Red Devil!”

TWO OF THEM AHHHHHH this definitely takes things to a new level!

‘Tis merely a flesh wound! This is fantastic. I couldn’t like this any more. Please never stop.

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Hmm — since there’s two murderers, two Red Devils, could it possibly be 90s Girl AND Creepy Dad? Both brought out by ‘ghetto rules’?

HASHTAG CAHOOTS!

There are so many dressings on the table. Only psychopaths have that many salad dressings.

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What is this white noise, Munsch, fucking Alien sounds? Dying cows? Also I’m going to use that excuse in the future: “No, there’s no way to turn it down, that’s just how loud it is!” And where did you buy this ‘white noise machine’? Because I want one. My husband would HATE IT.

Okay, at least one Red Devil is not 90s Girl or Creepy Dad. But there could be scores of them. SCORES, I SAY!

And that’s it for Episode 3: Chainsaw. Can’t wait for next week, some good sleuthin’ with Episode 4: Haunted House!