Good Evening, Idiot Hookers: Let’s Liveblog The Scream Queens Premiere Together


Pumpkin-flavored beer is in the fridge, fall officially starts tomorrow, and tonight is the premiere for “American Horror Story” creator Ryan Murphy’s brand new horror comedy series. In case you aren’t aware, this is a perfect storm of things I love. So I’ve decided to liveblog every episode of “Scream Queens” in realtime — which should be especially fun, as this show looks like a murderous romp through sorority houses in wobbly high heels! Let’s solve the mystery together, shall we?

I’ve got my MacBook fired up, a glass of chardonnay, and a reluctant husband who is no doubt going to love this show as much as I do. Let’s get pledged, brothers and sisters!

September 22, 2015

Episode 1: Pilot

The first tweet from Ryan Murphy regarding “Scream Queens” as the premiere begins. Looks like we have our theme for the season!

We begin in 1995, a whopping 20 years ago. (God I feel old.) Some serious shit has gone down at this party and it’s not just the crimes against fashion.

“I am not missing ‘Waterfalls’ for this. ‘WATERFALLS’ IS MY JAM.” I am already fully in love with this show.

Original Victim: Sorority Girl In Tub.

Okay, important note: Cathy Munsch was promoted to dean after the previous dean passed away, radio in the tub. Hmmm.

Ahhh, our first appearance of The Red Devil! And the whole spray tan scene was definitely a huge reference to the shower scene from “Psycho”. I like the throwback. Something we’ll continue to see? Anyway, Red Devil Victim #1: Melanie Dorkess.

A Sideboob Mixer and a White Party. No comment.

So wait, Curly Blonde Grace is definitely Bathtub Baby right? This could also be a big red herring. The timeline doesn’t match up but her age could’ve been flubbed to make up for the tragedy of her death. We’ll find out eventually, I’m sure, probably when we see the photo of her mother she mentioned.

Can I say how happy I am the main character doesn’t seem to be one of those “meh-I’m-so-much-cooler-than-all-this-stuff” waifs like Anna Kendrick in “Pitch Perfect”?

Very ominous shot of Grace. Is she really excited to pledge or out for revenge? Plus, fantastic Halloween reference via score and the lurking Red Devil behind the bushes. Loving these Easter Eggs so far.

And that leads us to our first commercial break! What do you think so far?

Oh no, all-inclusive guidelines! Mean girls hate that. From what I know. I wasn’t exactly the sorority type. (Shocked? I’m sure you’re not.)

Ok, so 90s Lady Whose Name I Missed is most definitely from the original sorority from the beginning tragedy. I’m guessing the one who held the baby and touched the dead girl’s eye. Gross.

Of course his name is Chad and I love that whatever Jonas that is loves him. Perfection. Also Chad gives off a distinct Knox Overstreet vibe.

Hey now don’t knock the PSL. It is indeed a white girl drink but I love it.

Who saw that coming re: the deep fryer? Everyone? Good.

Secondary/Accidental Victim: Mrs. Bean.

Nothing like a little Murder Secret To Take To Your Death to kick off the school year! And we’re on our way through another commercial break.

Oh shit Munsch is boning Chad Overstreet (which is what I’m calling him from now on thank you very much). Good for her, though JLC is a total silver fox. And we’re 40 minutes in, BOOM, there’s Ryan Murphy’s textbook Mommy Issues Plot Line!

Barista Boy gives me a Patrick Bateman kind of feel. Maybe he’s Bathtub Baby? So many opportunities for nicknames in this show.

“I got my first boner watching ‘Faces of Death’.” Oh, Chad Overstreet, we are gonna have some fun, I can tell.

Well, look at that Ariana Grande, you were dumb enough to open the door. You deserve what you get. However, this text exchange is HILARIOUS. “I’m going to kill you now.” If only all guys could be so direct. Red Devil Victim #2: Chanel Number 2.

I get so mad when I watch college movies/television shows, they all have so much better clothes than I do! Even the poor ones!

“You’re so confident without being mean! What antidepressants are you on?” Can I get that tattooed on my face?

I still think Grace seems a little too chummy to not be suspicious…

Red Devil Victim #3: Deaf Taylor Swift. Shake it off, indeed.

Lots of death obsessions this season. Makes sense…? I do love Psychotic Neck Brace Rachel Berry though.

Leaving the body in the freezer seems to be a poor choice. What else is in that freezer? Secret passageway maybe?

Not gonna lie, I love Niecy Nash. I would pay her to hang out with me and just say delightful sassy things but I think I could only afford 45 seconds — what a glorious 45 seconds it would be! DENISE HEMPHILL!

This score… are we in “The Breakfast Club” now? Everyone is so blasé about all the death and dead bodies!

Episode 2: Hell Week

Slam that scotch, Munsch, you queen!

Grace’s dad is awful suspicious, too, but now I just think everyone is suspicious. You all murder. EVERYONE LOVES TO MURDER.

Okay, the party mix, is that a throwback to Grace’s dad making her a mix for the ride to college? HMMM. Speculation all around.

And no one ever washed that tub? Really? Not even a little? And the clothes, burn them, JFC! Everyone loves to murder but is rull bad at it.

OH SHIT Bean AND Munsch knew about the Bathtub Baby? Great twist, man oh man. So maybe Bean is still alive?

Chad Overstreet and Neck Brace need to hook up. They both love corpses so much. It’s a match made in hell.

“Are you gonna touch my wiener or are you gonna leave my wiener alone?” Gold.

Hmm. Interesting. So the Red Devil isn’t Barista Boy but also didn’t kill him when he had the chance. MYOB – Mind Your Own Business. My bets are one of those names he found is 90s Lady Whose Name I Missed, an original Kappa sister.

Wait, how could everyone not realize the college mascot was a devil? Hmmm.

I love how Ryan Murphy can poke fun at the gay community without being hurtful and also pointing out how dumb people sound when they ARE hurtful towards gay people. It’s a good thing.

I feel like something bad happened at a Best Buy parking lot and I don’t know about it and I feel dumb.

Okay, Gigi is 90s Lady Whose Name I Missed. And Pete is Barista Boy. I will continue to figure this out. Names are important!

More mentions of playlists. “I have a thing for playlists! I’m Mister Playlist.” That was what Grace’s dad just said, and now I know that was his mix CD in the trunk in the basement. Fo sho.

This hazing looks awful. I’d be out so fast. Also mayo is gross and I’m uncomfortable enough with my own body as it is. And who really matches their bra with their underwear GRACE?

Did this Red Devil attack really happen or is Chanel an unreliable narrator?

Hmm! Interestingly enough, you can see from the above screenshot the trailer had the blood reading “KAPPA WILL DIE” instead of “SLUTS WILL DIE”. I wonder why?

“SHONDELL WHY YOU GOT A KNIFE IN YOUR THROAT?!” Excellent question Denise. Red Devil Victim #4: Shondell.

So Ryan Murphy enjoyed this Jonas workout montage quite a bit I’m sure.

That didn’t last long. Red Devil Victim #5: Boone.

This back-and-forth at the table is classic. No one knows who the killer is, maybe not even Ryan Murphy at this point. But oh boy will it be fun to try to figure it out.

There’s something to be said about the missing bodies. Where are they going?

AHHHHHH WUT WUT WUUUUUT! Looks like I have to take it back: Red Devil Victim #5: Boone — more like Red HERRING Victim!

So now we’re dealing with “American Horror Story: Coven” rules. No one is dead, even if you think they’re dead. GOD DAMMIT RYAN MURPHY.

Well, that’s Scream Queens Episode 1: Pilot and Episode 2: Hell Week. What did you think? Any theories yet? See you next week for Episode 3: Chainsaw!