Heartbreak Feels Different With You

A heartache is usually a writer’s friend. When a writer wakes up in the morning feeling like her heart has been stepped on overnight, that is when she gets to write one of her best pieces; that is one of the best moments to look for that black pen and that coffee-stained notepad and just write. It is when the words will flow like the tears she has cried for days.

But it’s different with you.

Writing has always been the best thing for me. It is, I can say, one of the best things in life. It is how people let the world know of their emotions without screaming and yelling and crying and breaking down. It’s how you fall apart without showing others how the pieces of you are scattered all over the place. People will not see how weak you are, instead they will see how beautiful it is to just let your heart be how it wants to be, and feel what it wants to feel.

But it’s different with you.

The day you left was the day my heart left with you. It was not broken, it was not shattered into tiny bits for everyone else to see. I just woke up, and it was gone with you. Since then, I’d get up each morning and try to use that empty space inside my chest to write something, anything, and nothing ever comes out. I used to write sad pieces all the time. I used to let people know how a broken heart feels like and how tough it is to find yourself feeling so alone in the middle of the night. I have experienced this so many times, but it feels so new. It feels so different with you.

Sometimes, I’d feel it there again, my heart. Sometimes, it would speak to me and tell me that everything will be okay again. Sometimes, it would make me believe that it was all in my mind and that I never really lost it in the first place. And then, I’d try to write again. You were wonderful. But I guess everyone is wonderful when they’re in your life. Like the words I would always cling to, I held on to you even if it was already starting to hurt. I try to write again. My mind wanders and all I could think about is you and how much of myself I have lost since I lost you. I’d try to write again, but I leave everything there. Everything, unfinished. Everything, painful.

I felt different with you. I felt younger, I felt more alive, I felt like it was finally real. Feeling different is a good thing, and it hurts when it needs to change. But then, come to think of it, there will be so much more changes in my life. There will so much more difference and so much more words to write. I am writing again.

Now, I am letting my words flow like I am letting you go.