Here Are 10 Unexpected Uses For Your Sex Toy, Because I’m SURE You’ve Always Wondered

1. Yes. You can use it as an actual massager.

The Hitachi Magic wand was originally marketed as a back massager and as an aid for sports injuries in the 70s. Even though housewives found less “traditional” uses for the good vibrations you technically still could work out some knots with whatever battery operated device you currently have in your goodie drawer. Make sure they’re clean because…well…duh. And maybe don’t mention it to any physical therapist because they don’t need to know that you’re a weirdo.

2. Take your bondage tape to the gym and get Fifty Shades of SWOL.

Have you recently taken up boxing and are concerned about protecting your precious, delicate hands from the big, bad, boxing bag? Are you also secretly a mild Christian Grey in your downtime? Well there is simply no need for you to waste your money dollars on ace bandages for your little knuckles. Just rummage around for your bondage tape and wrap ‘em up! Sure it might be a little slick and shiny, but it’s always good to find multiple uses for things.

3. Use that blindfold when you’re traveling to make everyone leave you alone.

No one likes being bothered, especially when on an airplane. And do you really trust Delta facemasks to keep your eyeballs protected? Again – bust out that silk blindfold you use sometimes for some good ol’ sensory dep. and block out that sucker who won’t stop asking you to move so they can roam about the cabin.

4. Nipple clamps can double as a chip clip.

I mean honestly. Who even knows where to buy a fucking chip clip?

5. And the mom of the year award goes to….

I am in no way recommending this as an option for an alternative use for your flavored lube…but apparently someone pulled this off. Actually no, I think we need to call child services STAT.

6. Bring your handcuffs out to the bars just in case you make a civilian’s arrest.

Stranger things have happened. This will be really helpful in subduing your arrestee as you wait for the authorities to arrive. I’m sure the cops won’t question the fuzzy leopard print at all.

7. Ask for a facial for a….well…facial.

Sure, letting someone blow their load on your face may not be considered a sex toy but it’s definitely an act that’s less than vanilla so here it is. Beauty bloggers and even specialty spas swear that spooge on the face prevents wrinkles and can even improve the overall appearance of one’s skin. I mean…if you’re curious about the process Tracy Kiss is here to show you how it’s done. Personally the idea of asking one of my guy friends to jerk it into a Tupperware container for me seems like taking our relationship a bit too far, but I also spend way too much money on Sunday Riley products so I’m not really gonna talk.

8. Let your audio engineer or sound production guy raid your condoms.

Fun fact: non-lubricated condoms (because THOSE are super common and easy to find) can be secured around the battery pack of a microphone to prevent it from short circuiting due to a performer’s sweat.
~**The More You KNOWWWWWWWW**~

9. Edible undies can just be a snack!

Face it; sex is a lot of work. Sometimes after bumping uglies with someone for a while you just work up an appetite. And while it would be more ideal to eat something a little healthier and less sugary, you may just need to work with what you’ve got. So snack away and then ride that sugar high all the way to round two.

10. Or you know…you can just buy real athletic wraps, neck massagers, masks from Sephora, and pop chips?

But hey. Who am I to tell you how to live your life?