Here Are Your Non-Negotiable Guidelines For Hooking Up Sans Commitment


Dear Guy that is New and Unattached in Every Possible Way,

Let’s float through this noncommittal hookup with some ground rules, shall we? Because life is like a box of chocolates, but I know what you’re gonna get.

1. Use Your Words.

You were attracted to me because I’m “sexy and seemed nice.” Turns out that I am nice. So when I text you to say, “Thank you. I had a great time last night,” take this at face value. I have not named our future babies.

2. Don’t Assume I’m Obsessed With You

“I like you” does not equal “I like red velvet wedding cake with cream cheese buttercream.” I don’t even know your middle name, so let’s pump the breaks and hold the engagement photos please. Besides, I haven’t decided what my signature will look like when I take your last name. It’s too soon!

3. Do You.

I don’t love that you smoke, and that does not make me your mother (so you can stop calling me that). To burn your future into a pile of cigarette butts is your prerogative. I’m not here to change you. I’m not your mommy.

4. Love Me Maybe.

You asked why my ex and I broke up. Fair. I told you, never implying that I’m broken. I left the relationship because I am strong, not because I need you to take care of me. (But if you decide to care about me on any level, I wouldn’t hate it).

5. Date Me or Don’t.

I don’t care. If you don’t want to date me, somebody else will. Something about busses and another one coming along any minute? Plus, I have a really snuggly dog who also happens to be the love of my life. Seat’s taken!

6. If You Want A Doormat, Go Fish.

You think I challenge things for the sake of being difficult. Thanks, but no thanks. I challenge status-quos that are outdated and belittling. For example, unequal pay is to me as an influx of Syrian refugees is to Donald Trump. Complete. Madness. I stand up for what I believe (and against everything Trump stands for), so if you want a doormat of a woman, go fish.

And that’s all I have to say about that. Ball is in your court to swing or miss, because “I want a man! Not a booooyyy whoooo thinnnkksss he careesss.” …Spice Girls, anyone? No? Ok. #GirlPower

Sincerely Not Yours,

Your Also Uncommitted Less-Than-A-Fling Thing

PS. We wear condoms. Not sorry, and non-negotiable.