Here’s What I Learned About Modern Day Dating From No-Strings-Attached Sex

I glared at his stupidly perfect face. I couldn’t even wrap my head around the anger I felt as soon as the words “you should probably bounce” left his lips.

No, we are not talking about a game or sport of some sort, this asshole just asked me to leave.

Let me paint you a pretty picture: a little over an hour prior, I turned up to this gorgeous man’s house—him with his sharp jaw and me with my frizzy hair and caked makeup—and we made a mutual decision to have sex. Did I think I was going to be pissed off, cramping and frantically looking for my car keys afterwards? No. I thought that day would end much differently. Maybe a bite to eat afterwards? A long cuddle? Hours of talking whilst I laid beside him in a euphoric state? Boy, did I misinterpret the situation.

This is how it actually went: I was there for five minutes before he grabbed my left breast and told me that he wanted me to sit on his face. After about two minutes of him assessing the situation and believing I was more than ready (I wasn’t), we proceeded to intercourse. Post the following 10 minutes of random positions, intense cardio and an ab circuit, I was laying there panting as he came on top of me. I wasn’t even close, and when I told him, he didn’t seem to care.

Did I mention this is how I lost my virginity?

He then jumped off me in 0.2 seconds and disappeared. He wouldn’t even look at me. Still panting and trying to catch my breath, muscles already aching, I stood up and walked over to him. “Do you want me to leave?” I asked. The first time he said no, but 20 minutes later when he came again, he proposed I should “bounce.” Done using my body as one would with a blow up doll. Is it possible that men and women view sex from two completely different perspectives?

Anyone who has ever met me knows this story. It’s funny to look back on now, but it was really fucking something. I met James on Tinder, and at first glance I thought he was pretty hot. We spoke for over a week and he definitely did not know I was a virgin. I had already wasted my time getting to know another guy for eight months and we didn’t sleep together, so to say I was keen to get it over with was an understatement.

I never really thought much of my virginity. I never thought I needed to save myself for someone special, I just needed it to not feel rushed. Never having a boyfriend made this extremely difficult. In my head I knew I was ready for it. Endless nights reading romance novels—and the occasional Cosmo article—prepared me.

Not many people know, but I was 19 when I lost my virginity. It was a warm Autumn’s day, the sun was out and he invited me over for a movie. I didn’t realize I was falling into a casual relationship until it clicked that he would only ever call me for sex. I was confused and trying to navigate something new. I wasn’t expecting a relationship straight away, but I had assumed that since we were sleeping together, we could still go out for coffee or interact outside of the bedroom. That definitely did not happen. Instead I learnt about his unique kink in which he only wanted me around to help fulfil his dark desires. He told me about having a kink before we met up, but I had assumed some light spanking and nothing more. (Ha! If only) I was equally terrified as I was curious, yet I couldn’t understand why someone needed those things to enjoy sex when all I wanted to do was sample the vanilla. He never pressured me into doing anything, but it seemed I was only there for his pleasures and not my own. Again, you’d think it would have been a give and take type of situation. I went from virgin to mistress in under a week, and quite literally since I found out a year later that in the eight months we were sleeping together, he was still with his supposed ex fiancé.

We had sex quite regularly, but it wasn’t anything special. When my friends would ask if I was getting that happy ending, I would always say no. Sure, the sex was enjoyable, but every time I left it was like I had the female equivalent of blue balls. It just never seemed to be his priority or even his interest to get me off. I went from reading about men that loved and took pride in pleasuring a woman to a guy that seemed like he was bored by the idea and didn’t think I needed it. That made me feel like absolute shit. And it wasn’t until I moved on from James that I met other guys that just didn’t seem to make it happen for me either. At least they seemed to enjoy going down, but it was like if it didn’t happen in 10 minutes, they got frustrated. And some of them didn’t even know where my clit was—you would be surprised at how many of them were about two inches off. Could it be possible that men think there is no need to really try when they don’t need to keep someone around? I feel like there is so much pressure for a woman to ensure their male companion finishes, but we are expected to just enjoy what we get and consider it a job well done.

I’ve slept with guys that are constantly in an out of relationships and also others that pride themselves in their casual dating lifestyle. In all of this time of searching for the right guy online, somehow I’ve been locked in a box of booty calls only, and whilst this may be the case, one thing I’ve learnt is that the relationship guy is always better. Why? Because he actually knows the female anatomy and what makes it buzz.

With the non-relationship guy, there is always a sense of urgency with no control on their behalf. You can never be too emotional, too attached or too comfortable, because acknowledging a genuine connection seems taboo. It is like a force field of protection that ensures two people remain at arms length, which is necessary because no one actually wants to risk feeling anything. And could it be that the barrier starts and ends with a woman’s orgasm? I thought going into casual relationships would be uncomplicated and consist of multiple orgasms, but what I’ve learnt over the past two years is that it’s anything but.

Unfortunately the modern day dating scene is pretty vicious. Thanks to the introduction of Tinder, no strings sex seems easier to achieve, minus the stress of having to get up off of your couch and meeting someone. A dating app created specifically for hookups makes it easy to get swept away in the fantasy of meeting someone mysterious and having a night of wild fun, but are we caught up in the expectation that it will mean more than it does? It is known women view intimate experiences from a more emotional level, but I always thought men at least had some sort of consideration. I’ve been told that once you’re in a relationship, these different ideologies merge into one, but my question is this: why are men are so emotionally distant? And why do they refuse to show consideration to a woman during sex that they’re not emotionally attached to?

Now, I’d like to think at this point in my life I am mature enough to understand the concept of a one night stand. Of course I don’t expect a relationship from every man I encounter, but it appears as if men are more than willing to lead a woman on, provide false hope and pull on any emotional strings in order to get a woman to sleep with them. Usually it’s just a wham bam thank you ma’am without any remorse. It is common knowledge that the majority of women find it difficult to separate the physical from emotional attachment. (Kudos to those that can!) But maybe this is all just a cliche. Am I really asking too much when all I want is a little consideration and an orgasm? I have been in an out of casual relationships for two years, and to my disappointment, I’ve only achieved euphoric satisfaction twice.

I can’t even begin to explain how sexually frustrating it is when I’m engrained to ensure my partner gets off. And it’s not even that I’m forced to, it’s that I want to. For so long I thought my body was malfunctioning, but in my quest for the big O, I realised that there are numerous women who have experienced the same disappointment. I am not naive enough to think that state of mind also plays a big part in this role. I can only speak from personal experience, but could it be I’m associating myself with the wrong men? Because I am more than sure that there are half-decent men out there that demonstrate a little compassion and won’t kick me out once they’ve ‘unleashed their load.’ (Well, here’s to hoping.)

A study by WebMD explores the concept of how men and women perceive sex. According to their sources, men are more selfish creatures because of their high libido, and for them, the more, the better, whereas women “place more value on emotional connections as a spark of sexual desire.” Professor of Sociology Edward O. Lauman says that, “sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context,” and because of the complexity for bringing a woman to orgasm, most men tend to not bother putting in the hard work if he is only going to see the girl once and never again.

As a result of the above, I decided to do my own research, so I asked two males and two females who are single and sexually active some questions around casual sex. I asked the males whether it was important to them that their partners orgasm or whether their endeavours were self-focused. I asked the women, however, whether their sexual partner ensured they orgasmed before themselves and whether it mattered to them that they finished or not. I also asked what they expected afterwards. This is how they responded:

Male 1, aged 20: It doesn’t really matter to me. If it happens, it happens. I mean of course I preferred if it did, but it depends on the environment. Sometimes it’s harder to… get her there, you know? Then I usually get them to leave because it’s awkward and I want to shower, but I at least offer them a ride home if they need one.

Male 2, aged 26: I’m 26, the whole notches on the belt thing wore off very, very quickly for me. Bringing a girl to orgasm is what gets me off, it’s like an ego thing… Being able to make a girl come and then spooning her afterwards, no matter whether we are serious or not, is something I like doing.

Female 1, aged 23: I’ve had quite a few one night stands, usually I never hear from them again, but I’ve found as I’ve gotten older most guys care more about getting me off than themselves. Maybe it is an ego thing? Yes, it matters to me—again, what’s the point of having sex? Even if they want oral, they have to be prepared to give it back. I don’t have time for selfish people and they learn pretty quickly I won’t tolerate it. I don’t like being told to leave, it’s insulting, so I try and leave as soon as I can so there is no awkwardness. Maybe i’m a little strong-minded…

Female 2, aged 19: No, most of the time they only check me down there to see if I’m lubricated enough for them to slide inside me, and then everything is over within 5-10 minutes. There is no talk about me at all. Sure, it’s annoying, but it depends on the guy. If they don’t kick me out then i’ll be okay not finishing, otherwise if it’s a slap and dash, what’s the point seeing them again?

In summary, maybe it just depends on age and maturity. It could just be the less experienced males don’t perceive sex as anything other than a quick root, and less experienced females expect more than what it is. Many people swear by Tinder and claim it’s the best app created because it’s reliable and easy to use, but others agree with its bad reputation. Sure, it’s fun in the short term, but I highly doubt I’ll find myself a Prince Charming. Whatever happened to first dates at the movies and meeting people over milkshakes? Has technology progressed to a point that the way of romance has been rewritten?

A minefield of questions, so little answers.