Here’s What You’re Like When You’re Drunk, Based On Your Hogwarts House



You’re always the person who asks the Uber driver if they have an aux cord, so everyone can continue listening to the playlist you created and DJed during the pregame, naturally. You never go looking for fights, but you can be a little bit of a hothead if some drunken asshole does something to upset one of your friends. When people start heading to a different bar, you’re always the one to make sure no man gets left behind.

You’re all about toasts. If someone tries to take a shot without first saying what it’s for, you’re absolutely appalled, and you stop and force everyone to say who it’s ‘to’ before you continue.

Your personality when you’re drunk is pretty much the same, just magnified. You get super excited when everyone’s together, you’re always buying a shot for the person who seems like the most sober one in the room, you’re super polite to the bartenders and bouncers, and when your favorite song comes on at the bar, you react as if you’re having a transcendental experience.


You have been told by numerous people that you are the most pleasant drunk person they have ever encountered. You can throw ’em back no problem, but when everyone else eventually goes off to puke, or to drunkenly fight with their ex, or to tragically face plant right in the middle of the dance floor – you’re holding court at the bar, befriending strangers and bartenders alike, taking up people’s offers to buy you shots and laughing hysterically with someone who keeps calling you their ‘new best friend’ after meeting you six minutes ago.

You’re the opposite of dramatic when you’re drinking. You usually just get super silly and goofy, and your friends excitedly point out that you’re well on your way to tipsy when they notice you giggling and displaying some form of your ‘drunken smirk.’ It is practically impossible to piss you off when you’re drunk – you’re just the chill person at the party, siting on the couch and bonding with every person who walks by and unintentionally ends up wanting to talk to you for forty-five minutes.


Even when you’re in your most drunken state possible, you can still tell when other people are acting like idiots. And although you never say anything judgmental, you always move away just in time, because you know within the next five minutes, one of them will be spilling their drink, crying, or trapping you into a thirty-minute conversation about whether or not they should get back together with Craig.

You always remember people’s names when you’re out, whether you’ve had one beer or seven. You enjoy flirting when drunk, but if you realize the other person can’t put two sentences together, you’re out of there like a bat out of hell.

And while you love to get drunk and have a great time, you have this magical (pun intended) ability to always know which drink will be the one to take you from fun drunk to total train wreck, even though the amount differs every time. Because of this, your hangovers are never really that bad, so you’re always the one guiding all the (still drunken) sheep to brunch the next morning and handing out Advils to all your idiot friends.


You’re a super sneaky drunk. Most of the time, people don’t even realize it, and when they ask how many drinks you’ve had and you tell them, they usually laugh and don’t believe it the first time. You’ve definitely had your fair share of messy nights, but people always seem to forget about the dumb things you’ve done, because you always make sure you’re slightly less drunk than the drunkest person of the night, who inevitability is the one that everyone talks about and teases the next day, while you are safely spared.

Eavesdropping on other people’s juicy conversations – when they think everyone is too drunk to be paying attention – is your forte, and you’ve collected an alarmingly large amount of information on everyone in your social group. Your ability to already know every piece of gossip, before your friends have even finished telling you, infuriates them. And when they ask how you knew, you just shrug casually.

You’re excellent at manipulating everyone to go out to the bar that you specifically want to go to, without them even realizing that you were the one that instigated this decision. And you always gracefully duck out at 1:55, right before the lights come on, to maintain your ‘mysterious vibe’ aka to order your Uber and get out of there before all the other inebriated heathens swoop to the curb outside, trying to find their ride in a sea of people.