Here’s Why I Am Choosing Me Over You

There are so many reasons you won’t choose me; excuses really, and I’ve heard them all. And while they are not all entirely bullshit, they are reasons why we can’t be together. And if that’s not a reason enough for you to step up and show me that you want me, then I’m choosing me over you.

I’m choosing me, because despite the fact that I’ve made you into the perfect man in my mind because of how nicely you’ve treated me, it still does not make you perfect. Because despite how wonderful and gracious you may seem, the perfect man doesn’t need to be handsome, or smart, or funny. The perfect man just needs to show me that he will be there for me, and when it’s time for you to be, I don’t see a man at all.

I’m choosing me, because despite how many times I’ve been hurt, I’ve proved to myself that I am still kind and strong in the face of adversity. And even though we’ve had our problems and you’ve told me that you like me and made me feel better temporarily, you have yet to prove to me, in the face of hardship, that you are strong enough to get through problems with me. You would rather face your problems alone, and that’s fine. But then, I most certainly can’t choose to help you face them.

I’m choosing me, because despite how much I try to prove to you that I am a good person for you, you still don’t see it. I think this is the hardest reason of all, but the consolation is that I can still prove to myself that I’m a good person. And the only way I can do that, is unfortunately by walking away from the person who refuses to see it.

I’m choosing me. I’m choosing me, not because I’m selfish, or because I want to. It’s simply because if you won’t do it, then someone has to. Someone has to protect and look out for me, while I am looking out for you. Someone has to give me a reason to keep trying, and I can’t be the one always trying to convince myself.

I’m choosing me. And even though I have to tell myself over and over again that I’m not a bad person for giving up, I have to remember that you gave up first. That you stopped trying before it even began and the only reason we’ve made it this far is because you have been able to keep me in limbo. Because you have convinced me that I’m asking for too much of you, with everything else you have going on.

I’m taking myself back, because you have taken my love and my vulnerability and made it a good enough reason to stay with me. You’ve stayed because I’m “nice” and because I’m “pretty,” and because you’re afraid that if I walk away, you may end up regretting it.

So you’ve not chosen me, but rather you’ve convinced yourself to stay with me. You’ve convinced yourself that by giving me the bare minimum, it’s enough to get me to stick around; enough to get me to keep choosing you, before I choose myself.

If that’s the case, then I’m choosing me, because I will never, ever, EVER have to convince myself that I’m the type of person someone should want to be with. 

Because I already know the reasons you should want to be with me.

Because I already know how to love and take care of myself, and I just want to be able to take care of someone else.

Because I don’t need to tell myself why the bare minimum is not enough to keep me satisfied.

I want to love you, but it comes at a cost of not loving myself. And you see, I have a list of wonderful, miraculous reasons to fall further and further in love with the person that I am, and I can’t think of a single reason to fall in love with you. I can’t think of a single reason, because the only reason I would need, is for you to choose me, and if you can’t do that for me, then I will.