Here’s Why You Should Never, Ever, Leave Your **cking House


There’s a lot of good reasons not to leave the house. There’s weather, there’s inclement weather, there’s weather that’s less than preferable and, of course, there’s weather that’s simply far to weatherish. There’s also two more reasons. Here’s the first.

1. Your House Is Now Mine, MINE

Afghan war veteran Michael Sharkey returned from his two year deployment to lovely Afghanistan to discover that his house had been squatted by two ex-cons who had moved in, changed the locks, and now refused to leave. So, naturally, he reported this nonsense to the County Sheriff hoping to get some satisfaction in the form of the popo moving them the hell out of there.


Julio Ortiz and his girlfriend, Fatima Cardoso, claim to have an oral contract which states they can live there indefinitely for free. Sounds legit. 

“I don’t want problems,” Ortiz said. “We’re not doing anything wrong.”

Ortiz says he has permission to be in the house, just not from Sharkey, the home’s owner. Ortiz says he doesn’t need a lease because he has a “contract.” He described this contract as a verbal agreement with a friend of the soldier to fix up the home, in exchange for living there rent free.

See! Ortiz is a patriot!

What actually happened is Mr. Sharkey’s neighbor decided to enlist Ortiz’s help in doing some renovations on the house while Sharkey was deployed. Two months after all the work was done, Ortiz moved in. Oh, and the oral contract Ortiz spoke of? It’s not with Mr. Sharkey, it’s with his do-gooder neighbor…who doesn’t own the home in any way, shape, or form.

Ortiz claims to be an upstanding citizen without a single brush with the law. He’s also a liar. “Ortiz spent a combined twelve years in prison in New Jersey for robbery, car jacking and selling drugs on school property. He was released in 2011.”

Lessons learned:

  • Don’t ever leave your house or someone will move into it and you’ll be homeless.
  • In order to get your water turned on in Florida you have to provide the water company with proof of a lease. Now that is good to know.

2. Do Not Walk Around Outside Your Own Home

The guy you see above, Air Force Captain Nicolas Aquino, made the singular and oft made mistake of walking around outside his Monterey, California home, property that he legally owns and maintains. Like a chump he thought it was fine to do some standard homeowner type chores but his neighbors, likely fearing that Aquino was as hispanic as he appeared to be, called the police and said they thought he might be a burglar.

Neighborhood Watch? More like Neighborhood Watch out! (cheesy, I know):

Aquino is being charged with resisting arrest and obstructing a peace officer….

“All he said was, ‘I need to see your ID.’ At that moment I’m like, ‘Excuse me sir, but who are you? And why are you here?” Aquino told KSBW.

 “He says it again, I have to produce identification. At that moment I asked him, ‘Am I being detained?’ He said, ‘Yes,’ and so I said, ‘OK, then my name is Nicolas Aquino. I live right here. I’m in the military,'” Aquino said.

Aquino didn’t want to messed with and eventually the officer wrestled him to the ground and apparently considered shooting him because he feared Aquino might have a weapon. FYI, that’s not standard procedure. “I thought he might maybe have a weapon so I shot him” is in no way legal.

Aquino was eventually let go after he provided a bill with his name and address on it. Monterey police still aren’t dropping the charges of resisting arrest and obstructing a police officer.

Aquino’s lawyer asked the Monterey County District Attorney to drop the charges, but was told it wasn’t going to happen. The entire ordeal, Aquino said, has put his military career in jeopardy.

Aquino is a first-generation American whose parents fled Paraguay as refugees after they received death threats.

Even stranger, Aquino is literally a poster boy for the Air Force. Okay, video boy is more accurate.

Lessons learned:

  • Don’t be hispanic (clearly this gives scared people something to be scared about).
  • Carry your bills with you at all times so that when the police bust down your down you can prove you live there.
  • Don’t EVER leave your home, ever. I’m serious, stay inside.
image – Eddie Codel