Here’s Your Wes Anderson-Directed Version Of Star Wars


At this point, someone could probably do a Wes Anderson-based parody of the whole concept of Wes Anderson parodies, since the cloyingly twee director is so easy to imitate. (By the way, the use of the word “twee” in an article about Wes Anderson is mandated by law in the forty-eight continental United States — though Alaska and Hawaii, as always, have to be different and special about the whole thing.)

But anyway, though the number of Anderson-based parodies is already legion, we do have a soft spot in our hearts for Conan O’Brien — and also a soft spot in our hearts for the original Star Wars movies, though not for the terrible, terrible, just fucking terrible prequels. …So here is a Conan O’Brien-created “audition tape” of Wes Anderson’s version of Star Wars, which you may have already seen on another website, because I am slow as a goddamn glacier in finding these things: so maybe complain about how you’ve already seen this video before, and leave a supercilious comment in the comment section; because perhaps that is the type of thing that brings you joy, complaining in the comment section like that.

Here is the video. Oh, the yellow “Futura” font! Oh, the intricate and precious wide-screen storybook-style composition! Oh my:


Ahahahahaha! How droll! No; but that was funny though. The operative joke going on here is the idea that Wes Anderson might be plucked from the ranks to direct the three new Star Wars movies that are coming out; which, as you know, is a real thing that is happening, three more Star Wars movies are being made, because apparently I’m not sad enough about the prequels already, and I need to be made more sad, because I’m working out some past sins from a former life.

Tons of rumors are flying around already about the new Star Wars trilogy, but here’s what we know for sure about it — I will not be writing, directing, or starring in any of the movies. Which is unfortunate, as I already have part of a Star Wars “fan script” ready to go. I really do. It’s so embarrassing. I wrote it years ago when the awful prequels came out. It’s so-ooo embarrassing that I’m going to share it with you right now. Really; it’s worse even than having a hidden cache of [insert deviant activity here] porn on your computer, to have a Star Wars fanboy script on your computer like that. But I do; I do have one.

ANY… way! Where was I? God knows. So; Star Wars, Disney, Conan O’Brien, Wes Anderson, Futura script, I’m a nerd who writes “fanfic,” George Lucas retroactively ruining my childhood, blah blah. Yep; we’re good. Here’s some Wes Anderson-y music to take us out. And just imagine how great Han and Leia would look if they were dressed like Margot and Richie down here. That’d be great, right? Or so, so terrible. Or one of the two, at least.


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