Hey Girls, Let’s Talk About Pubes For A Little Bit

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When I was 13, my greatest wish in the world was to become a woman. I was heavily into all things mystical – seances, witchcraft, fairies and angels – and I set up a make-shift altar in the corner of my bedroom, shrouded with candles, incense and angel figurines. True to Wiccan customs, I had an athene knife that I must have stolen from my brother and it acted as a sort of magical wand. I’m not joking when I say that night after night I would kneel at my altar and pray to “the Goddesses” to make me a woman. This broke down into 3 parts: boobs, pubes and period. I wanted them ALL. NOW. Yep, who woulda thunk it?!

I won’t complain about my boobs and I’m ultimately grateful for my period because it reminds me of my animal nature – that I will one day create bubbas – but let’s talk about pubes. Since when were they so bad??

I remember being quite young when the Brazilian wax phenomena penetrated the mainstream. I’d only just entered the wonders of womanhood, so the idea of reverting to a pre-pubescent school girl seemed a silly regression. (Plus the Goddesses would have been pretty pissed if I’d trampled all over their blessing the minute it was bestowed upon me!) My then-boyfriend’s mom kept encouraging me to go to her waxing joint, Brazilian Butterfly, but the very image of her 50-something year-old vagina being plucked bare like a Spring chicken was enough to keep me hairy for life.

The years have passed by and now my two oldest, bestest friends in the world tell me that they wouldn’t be caught dead without a wax! What happened to Betty Blue? Greek Goddesses and The Madonna? What about 80s porn? What happened to The Bush??

Okay, so the Brazilian is just an extension of other female hair extrications: legs, under arms, eyebrows. Plucking, pruning and pampering is, culturally and historically, a female thing. I can go with that. But since when did such girly vanity expand to fellas?? It could be an Australian thing, and if so I apologize to the rest of the world, but WE GIRLS LOVE GRIZZLY BEARS. We do. If I wanted a silky smooth body to slippery slide on, I’d hook up with a chick! But since my preference is very much MAN, I want everything that encompasses man. Hairy ass an’ all.

I’ve noticed that most guys in their 20’s are deeply affronted by bush. Many of them have never seen one in person (on a woman), and they themselves rock the prickly ball-sack do (yes, shaving – not waxing – has razor-sharp consequences). And one of my girlfriends who’s about 26 turned red faced and squealy when I showed her the tres cool 1980s French film ‘Betty Blue’ in which the sexy Beatrice Dalle lounges around for at least half the movie sans undies and with a bangin’ bush.

If you’ve ever had a wax down there, and I’m guessing that most of you who are reading this have, you’ll know that it f##** kills!! A full Brazilian, or an XXX as they are fondly referred to, is even worse. For some reason, that final strip down the middle takes pain to another level. “The things we do for beauty”, my waxer would chuckle and rip away.

Is the no-hair movement another step on the road towards human sterilization? I ask because I get the impression that to many pubic hair is viewed as unsanitary. Or is it, like Botox, another bi-product of our youth-obsessed culture? Remember: children don’t have pubes, adults do.

Thankfully, my fortnightly visits to the Korean Spa in Downtown LA provide me with the humanity reality check I need. Saggy boobs, cellulite and overgrown bush stake their claim in the women’s quarters at WiSpa and while, admittedly, such a display is at times confronting, it is a bizarre relief. An unannounced celebration of what we all ultimately are: Animal. #BringBackTheBush