Hey, White People—You Need To Care The Most About Nigeria!

If your crisp, clean, starched-and-pressed whiteness has prevented you from hearing about what dark deeds some dark people did on the Dark Continent on behalf of their omnipresent space master, let me be the one to penetrate your serene, white-picket-fence mind.

Some persnickety soldiers of the Religion of Peace who call themselves Boko Haram—which sounds like what aliens say when they go running errands—recently kidnapped hundreds of teenage girls in Nigeria (Africa’s up-and-coming country) to sell into vibrant, culturally-enriched slavery—that thing that white Christians virtually ended in every country with electricity yet still feel bad about.

But if you thought white people weren’t confronting these guilt pangs, you’re kind of wrong!

They care a bunchy-bunch!

They care so much that they compare and contrast the caring of others.

But some still fret that white folks aren’t caring enough.

So it’s time for you fucking privileged, fast-food-addled crackers to quit your predictable 9-5 keeping-a-roof-over-your-head routines and start embracing the hallowed euphoria of compassionate gamesmanship.

CARE.

CARE.

CARE.

Join me, fellow pale-faced holdouts, in this new, loving, global, communal care-fest to once and for all show those fucking cocksucking losers who cares the most.