Hillary Clinton: Not Remotely Bangable

In the interest of gender fairness and the global movement toward universal human sexual equality, I’ll start off with this disclaimer: I am fully aware that the primary issue here isn’t whether Hillary Clinton wants to fuck me, because for all I know she doesn’t. Odds are overwhelming that she has no idea who I am, and if she does, it’s highly possible she wouldn’t want to fuck me in a million years. I understand all that. I accept it. I even embrace it. I welcome it. That is Hillary’s choice and hers alone. I’ve even heard rumors that she prefers girls. Again, that’s her choice. Or maybe not—last I heard, those sort of things are genetic. Or fluid. Or hard-wired. It gets confusing.

But this isn’t about me. It’s about what is potentially the next Chief Executive of the United States. Shouldn’t a national leader’s sexual desirability be an issue, especially if it’s a chick?

Having said all that, I can’t think of any possible scenario where a normal, red-blooded, beef-eating, weightlifting, overcompensating American male would want to engage in the act of sexual congress with Hillary Clinton.

I imagine she has an evil flailing sharp-fanged eel of a vagina and a pair of hanging mams that are as dour and judgmental as that sourpuss mug of hers. I imagine her clit is as dry and hard as an arrowhead. I imagine she’d complain a lot during sex. I can see her interrupting the proceedings to check text messages. I don’t want to imagine any more, because I’ve imagined too much already.

To her credit, Ms. Clinton is slightly more attractive than Golda Meir and roughly in the same league as Germany’s stodgy and bulldoggish Angela Merkel. But she is certainly no match for former Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko or the spicy enthusiasm of Costa Rica’s President Laura Chinchilla, or the swarthy, fig-scented allure of Pakistan’s former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto, or the fuck-me-and-then-I’ll-kill-you eyes of former Argentinian First Lady Eva Perón. And I doubt Ms. Clinton has the famous oral skills of England’s Margaret Thatcher.

But I don’t think we should reduce female politicians down to their procreative organs and the chest glands they have that are designed for feeding their offspring. Yes, it’s true that those body parts are the reason we define them as females in the first place, but fundamentally, we shouldn’t focus on their looks so much. It’s their policies that matter. I just never bothered to look up what those are.