His Name Isn’t Yours Anymore


His name is Brandon, his name is Sam, his name is Max, his name is Pascoe, Tom, Liam, and Dylan.

His name isn’t yours anymore and that’s okay with me. I don’t need to get under him to feel less of you, and my friends no longer need to hide my phone from me when I get drunk. I can watch that movie again and I can kiss him without thinking of you. I can walk down my street and not be thinking of that night we were discussing getting back together again. I no longer grieve you the way I used to because I can finally see my life without you.

You don’t sit there anymore, he does. His words have replaced yours, my thoughts of you are taped over with him.

You told me there’s a reason I’m no longer your problem, so why do you keep making me yours?

He doesn’t sit outside my house and involve my mum in our trivial fights over text. He doesn’t throw my trauma back in my face, nor does he try to make far-fetched connections between my father and I. He doesn’t drag out our breakup across half a day and then tell me he’s still up for sleeping with me. He doesn’t write out a double-sided script to break up with me, nor does he look me dead in the eye, knowing I’m breaking inside, and tell me I’m no longer the girl he fell in love with. That’s why I can find comfort in the fact no relationship will compare.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t still miss you at times, but I’d be lying if I said I still love you.

So, this is my response. I’ve exhausted the tears; I’ve outgrown the antidepressants. I hope you remember that I tried being civil. So, you can keep telling your friends that I’m crazy as if you didn’t have a part in it. You can keep adding the songs of mine you hated to every playlist you make and keep swiping right on me to see if I did the same. You can keep tagging me on Facebook and continue writing degrading songs about me. I just hope you one day find the level of clarity that I’ve succumbed to. You made a choice that day to pick yourself, and now that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I hope you understand that I’ll forever choose them, because they chose me.