Hot Mugshot Guy Is NOT Dead!

There’s a pretty nasty rumor making the rounds on the social meeds today about the death of Jeremy Meeks – the sexy mugshot man that we all wanted to fuck about a month ago. I saw the news, and like most women, I was heartbroken and disappointed. My fantasy of this man turning his life (and his chair and his Kangol hat) around, talking to kids about the dangers of being a bad boy, and marrying me and using his former bad boy skills to protect me, were shattered.

Well, rest assured ladies: Jeremy Meeks is still alive and still available.

The hoax is entirely the fault of a website called Huzlers. Huzlers has the appearance of a legitimate source of information (its domain name ends in dot com and there’s words on the pages) but instead of posting actual news, they post something called satire. I did a little research (made up a definition of satire in my head) and I’d say the correct way to classify this website is not satire, but instead “satire.”

You see, there’s a subtle difference. Satire is a thing I like, whereas “satire” is something I don’t like. When you put scare quotes around a thing, it shows that you’re being sarcastic and it’s a good way to do a diss. I would advise everyone to go to the comments section on Huzlers and write something like, “oh this is supposed to be ‘satire’ I guess.” You’ll burn them super hard and they’ll shut the website down and never post another thing. Be warned, however – this can backfire. Someone might write something like, “great ‘comment’ man,” and you’ll be owned as well and you’ll have to stop posting.

That’s what I can’t stand about satire. The people that do it don’t realize that if I don’t think it’s funny – that means it’s not satire. Just like how works of fiction I don’t enjoy suddenly stop being fiction. I thought the movie Avatar was shit – that means it’s not fiction. It means James Cameron made that movie because he thinks those aliens are real, and he thinks all that stuff is actually going to happen in the future. After I left the theater, I had to send him an extremely long email about the implausibility of a planet of aliens with such similar physiology to ours, the infeasibility of human reliance on some obscure element, and that ridiculous scene where a mech uses a giant knife. I’m sure he read it and I’m sure he won’t make any more movies because of what I said.

But, unlike Avatar, the rumors about Jeremy Meeks dying are a work of fiction. He’s still alive, but that doesn’t change the fact that for a minute there I thought he was dead. The pain I experienced was real, and therefore, the jokesters who made me feel that way should be reprimanded and treated as if they actually killed Meeks. The problem is that I know my complaints will most likely fall on deaf ears. Unlike James Cameron, these internet troll assholes don’t take my criticisms seriously. They immediately write everything off with, “it was just a joke, relax.” And, you know what? Maybe they’re at least a little bit right. Maybe, I should just relax.

Look, as a mom, I’m going to say declaratively and with assumed authority that there’s just certain things you can’t joke about. A hot man dying is one of them. The other two things are saying Metallica sucks and criticizing Ray Lewis. Those are the three things you can’t joke about. But, I also understand that despite all my blogging and my hashtag activating, it’s impossible for me to police everyone’s words at every moment. That’s why in times like these, when my first instinct is to make a call to arms and demand the internet shut down a thing I don’t like, I take a deep breath and spend a couple of hours posting pictures of galaxies on Facebook and I continue to pretend I’m a scientist. “I don’t have time for all that shit,” I’ll remind myself as spend all day thinking about something I read that bothered me. I’m important. I’m a global voice. I’m someone who knows what satire is.

If you’re like me, and you get mad at online content, I think this is the best approach. You have to strike a balance between getting owned and writing a bunch of mad comments on things, and spending a little bit of quiet time reflecting on how important you are as an internet commenter. That’s the only true path to inner tranquility, and it bestows a sense of confidence – the kind of confidence that’s attractive to other people. The kind of confidence that will make people think you’re cool.

Jeremy Meeks is still alive, and so are we, for now. Let’s use this time to show the trolls that we’ve got better things to do.