How Much Do You Need To Spend On A Wedding Gift?


Start at $100 and add or subtract accordingly.

  • The wedding hashtag fills you with an inexplicable dread (-$15)
  • The bride and groom kind of remind you of Brad and Angelina (-$75)
  • The bride and groom kind of remind you of Bebop and Rocksteady (+$75)
  • You still can’t forget that one time in college when the bride told you, “You know, it’s so great that you don’t care what everyone says about you” (-$50)
  • A class-action lawsuit prohibits you from participating in open bar events (-$65)
  • You have a sneaking suspicion the vows will include the words “eternity,” “cherish,” or “yacht” (-$40)
  • You have a sneaking suspicion the vows will include the words “death pact,” “blood orgy,” or the Budweiser “Waaazzzzzzuuuuppppp!?!” (+40)
  • You’re ten years older than the couple (+$50)
  • You’re ten years younger than the couple (-$50)
  • You have no idea how the old couple is and you don’t give a shit if they live or die (-$95)
  • Now you have to get all those blood stains dry-cleaned out of your nicest suit ($-30)
  • You have a hilarious prank planned for that whole “If anyone objects to the union of these two people, speak now or forever hold your peace” part (+$85)
  • The bride is deliberately going through with this whole cruel charade even though she knows you had a totally major crush on the groom in 10th grade (-$55)
  • The bride is in your Myspace Top 8 (+$80)
  • Your connection to the bride is so distant that you need some bizarre justification to explain why you’re there, like “Well, she’s my best friend’s cousin’s tennis doubles partner, but she lets me use her HBO Go password, so we’re basically family…” (-$60)
  • You’re a fun-loving, memorable guest that any wedding would be lucky to snag (-$30)
  • You’re such a fun-loving, memorable guest that the groom specifically begged you not to ruin the wedding (+$60)
  • You put $500 down on “18 months” in the divorce pool (-$25)
  • It’s a destination wedding (-$40)
  • The destination is Buffalo (-$95)
  • Entering a place of worship tends to make you break out in hideous sores, levitate several inches off the ground, and recite backwards Latin in a guttural growl (+$20)
  • You didn’t get a plus-one even though you had a boyfriend when the invitations were sent out. I mean, you guys have been broken up for five months by now and the whole thing turned out to be a pretty humiliating catfish situation, but still (-$50)
  • You’re resentful that you weren’t chosen to be in the wedding party (-$40)
  • You’re resentful that you were chosen to be in the wedding party (-$80)
  • Every wedding that is not your own is a welcome opportunity for your mother to use the term “spinster” (-$30)
  • Three words: mashed potato bar (+$40)
  • Three words: Insane Clown Posse (-$40)
  • The invitation, which arrived in an ornate box, was handwritten by a calligrapher and delicately arranged in an intricate series of bows and ribbons (+$30)
  • The invitation was a terse message composed of individual letters cut and pasted from various magazines and newspapers in the menacing manner of a ransom note (-$30)
  • The invitation was a summons requesting you to appear in a court of law at an appointed date and time with a group of your peers for the purpose of rendering a verdict in a trial (+/- $0. This is not a wedding invitation. You have been summoned for jury duty)
  • You view the happiness of others as a personal affront (-$70)
  • There is no God and all is pain (-$100)

How much did you end up with?