How Nicole Solved An International Crisis With A Children’s Cartoon

So swallow this load of mind-cum, commentfags: I just solved the refugee border crisis by using my brain to create a think piece. Jealous? Yeah. I bet you’re jealous. But more than jealous, you’re curious. You’re thinking, “gaddam Nicole, you’ve done it again. But, how? What’s on that beautiful mind of yours?”

Well, folks. I’ll tell you.

One of my favorite movies, if not my favorite movie, is 101 Dalmatians. Not 1996’s 101 Dalmatians, mind you – that live action piece of shit starring either Glenn Close or Meryl Streep (I can’t tell them apart) – but the original animated film that we all fell in love with as children.

It was the story of Anita and Roger. It was the story of Pongo and whatever the mom dog’s name was. The mom dog who somehow fit all of those puppies in her pussy. It was a story about unwanted pregnancy, the value of dog fur, and knowing the right thing do when the forces of evil are colluding with the complacency of good dogs.

101 Dalmatians bears a lot of similarity to the current border crisis with all these refugee children. In a lot of ways, the children are like the puppies. Those of us that are able to demonstrate empathy for our fellow living creatures are like the adult dogs, and conservatives that want Americans to turn their backs on these children out of principle are like the evil cunt Cruella De Vil.

Like Cruella, their motivation to harm these children stems from an insecurity. For both sides of the analogy, it’s an insecurity about age. Where Cruella wants to skin them alive so she may create a coat from their fur, conservatives want to deport all of these children back to where they came from. Cruella is trying to preserve her appearance of youthful decadence in the same way that aging white people want to cling to the homogeneous version of the American Dream they hold so dear.

Now these puppy children pose a threat. They symbolize youth and change, and they must be stripped of their identities and dealt with. They must be skinned, and for Cruella, that’s literal. For Tea Partiers angry about refugee children, they want them skinned in the sense that they want to remove a Hispanic or foreign identity from a future America. They want to make a big white people coat for America.

Now, if you recall, there’s a scene in the movie where Pongo is trying to move the dogs across some kind of road or a field or something. I’m not sure and I’m not downloading it to watch it again, but there is definitely a scene in there where they have to hide from Cruella and her goons by covering the puppies in soot so they appear to be Labradors instead of Dalmatians. The plan works, and the dogs go free.

I think this is where we should end our analogy. We should stop talking in metaphor and get literal. It’s time to start taking pages out of Walt Disney’s book. We need to take those pages, rip them out, and staple them into another book. A book called life, friends. Go ahead. Staple that book.

The solution to the border crisis is simple: we gotta bleach all these Mexican kids so that they look like white people and we can sneak them into the middle of the country unnoticed. It worked in the movie, and for the life of me, I can’t think of a reason why it wouldn’t work here.

The very best part of this plan though, is this: if the dogs… I mean if the kids, get caught, they’re not actually going to be skinned alive. They’ll just be deported. But, they’ll still have bleached skin.

Suddenly we’ve got a bunch of WHITE kids down in Central America, and when they start running into trouble what with all the lack of resources and the drug problems that we created, the whole world will come to their white rescue!

It’s perfect, really. Think about it. I did, for like fifteen minutes or so.