How Not To Be A Total A**Hole To Your Black Friend


Why do I even have to fucking write this?

Oh yeah, because frankly, white people — Can I call you white people? We’re all post racial friends here aren’t we? — sometimes you’re dicks to your black friend.

Some of you fuck it up on purpose because you are racist bags of dicks and have nothing better to do than harass and mistreat some unsuspecting black person for no actual reason other then they have more melanin than you.

Some of you fuck it up because you are ignorant. Not just ignorant… You are BLISSFULLY ignorant. You walk around everyday microaggressively assaulting your black, brown and rainbow-colored friends and immediately freak all the way out if me or your one Asian friend whose name you can never remember asks you to consider that maybe, just maybe what you just said or did was a teeny tiny skotch bit racist.

(For example, If you are a vegan health food fanatic and you invite me over for an especially cooked for me dinner and proudly present me with a plate of fried chicken, hog maws, chittlins, greens, and candied yams, you cannot cry foul when I jump up from the table and shout, “Listen here white devil. You are a racist piece of shit. Now, Get your ass up and go get me some fucking Tupperware so I can wrap this delicious shit up and get the fuck away from your racist ass.”)

Lastly, some of you just have lived in the very white world of our racists forefathers’ design and just don’t have a clue. You genuinely love your friends of color and you value them on a human level and would never want to hurt them. Come closer, love. You’re the one I’m looking for.

So grab a pen and take notes.

I am sure there are a zillion things that I will miss on this list. This is just one black girl’s list. Any other colored girls who have experiences that I missed in this article put them in the comments.

And white people, you better read them all and share this article on Twitter or your Facebook page and like my SistaTV Facebook page and subscribe to my SistaTV YouTube channel and all that shit because you owe it to black people. Making THIS black girl a star on the internet will make up for all your stupid, stupid mistakes.

DO NOT WALK UP TO ME TO TELL ME HOW EXCITED YOU ARE ABOUT OBAMA, Gabby Douglas, Tiger Woods or whatever black person is the current media darling or villain.

If I happened to have on an Obama shirt or buttons or an image of Obama is shaved into the side of my head, it’s fine to randomly talk to me about our mutual Obama love. But if I am just randomly in the grocery store and picking out a fresh pack of edamame, do not make a beeline for me to tell me how happy you are to live in a world where a half black Muslim terrorist could rise up against the struggles of his single white mother and being raised by his white Jewish grandparents, attending the best of schools and struggling thru his ivy league education to become our first half-black president.

How do you know I’m not a Republican? Admittedly writing made me cackle at its sheer absurdity, but there are plenty of fucked-up black people who hate themselves enough to be proud Rethuglicans! You never know! Leave me to do my shopping in peace!

Oh, and when you see me dragging my limp daughter through the cereal aisle after she’s gone dead weight on my ass cause I have refused to buy her Sugary Sugar Skanks Cereal with free Diabetes inside, this is NOT THE TIME TO exclaim… “OMG, look at how flexible she is! She’s the next Gabby Douglas for sure.”

That is a true story. It happened to me and my daughter at Target. That lady came from across the store to tell us this. And then she proceeded to tell me how it was such a blessing that white host family had saved Gabby Douglas from her poor black family.

I shit you not. I said to her “Really, Bish? Really??”

OK maybe I didn’t start like that but my eyes are very expressive so I am CERTAIN she got my drift.

I am sure she meant no actual harm. In fact, I’m certain I am now her  one black friend in her head. But come on, lady… stop that shit

Do not look at me like I am magic when I get a new hairstyle.

I understand. It is a little magical, cause A DIVA is fierce.

But it is not that confusing. I understand you want to know how I can do such fabulous things with my hair. Locks, Fros, Relaxers, Wigs, Weaves, Braids, Twists, Kinky, Curly, straight, Big hair, small hair, Teeny Weeny Afro, Big Ass AFRO no hair, long hair. I get, it black people have all kinds of hairstyles, sometimes all in the same week.

But do not ever NO BITCH, NOT EVER, NEVER in your five dollar life randomly reach your pasty hand out to touch my glorious halo of hair because I WILL MAKE CHANGE. You need my express written consent to touch me. I am not an animal at a petting zoo. That mess is inexcusable.

On any given morning commute:

“Oh my god! Your hair is so cute! Black girls’ hair is always so COOL? Is that a weave???“

What the fuck is wrong with you? Why do you think that is ANY of your business? Why do you think it is OK to yell that at a stranger across a crowded piss-covered red line train? Who the fuck is you?

New rule, black girls: if another woman asks you that question, reply just as loudly back, Oh My GAWD your boobs look awesome! Are those breast implants or Is that a Padded Bra?”

Do not ever, NO bitch, not ever in your life forward me a tragic black women statistic story you find on the interwebs.

Or worse yet, clip that shit out of an actual newspaper and bring it work hollering, “Ermahgerd… I had no idea what my sistas were up against.”

You are right you have no clue what sistas are up against. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE! But 9 times out of ten, neither do those dumbfucks that wrote that article about how bleak life is for black women. I am certain that some of them experts have never actually had a real conversation with anyone much darker than George Hamilton.

Helena just wrote about the glut of gloom and doom articles specific to single women. And I commented how the articles specific to black women are even more depressing. So many of those bogus, woman-hating, racially biased studies can go eat a dick up because the purpose of them is fear mongering and why don’t you hate yourself yet, black girl?

Trust me, we get that some shit is fucked up, but every black girl I know is still going out in the world, doing the damn thing and WINNING despite what the bleak statistics and studies try to tell us.

So next time an article entitled, “For Colored Girls Who Thought They Were Happy Until The Interwebs Told Them They Were Never Not EVER Going To Be Enuf “or “ Dear Young, Single, Educated, Black Girl: Kill Yo Self Because a Team of Norwegian Experts Has Discovered You Are Undeniably Fucked and Are Destined To Be Forever ALONE,”: do NOT click forward.

Do not use me to fulfill your Mandingo fantasies.

Do NOT MotherFUCKING try me, BECKY! Look, I am all into interracial love. My husband is Jewish. My children are biracial, and my president is a halfrican.

I get it. Tasting the rainbow is fun and magically delicious. But you can have several seats if you are trying to befriend me for the sole purpose of getting some black dude to fuck or wife your self loathing ass. You shouldn’t be trying make friends of specific races solely toexpand your own personal duffel bag of dicks, Julee.

So what if you, despite having read my helpful list, you still unwittingly offend your black friend in one of the myriad ways I haven’t written about here? That’s easy. When you do something white idiot-ish and we comment on it, you learn from it or apologize and we move on with our friendship.

When I was in high school, my best friend was a vegan, animal farm freeing, dog loving, health food store working skinny blond who loved my African, steak and meat loving, dog hating, bbq rib joint working,  braid wearing, fat black me like an actual factual sister and showed me what a friend till the end means.

One day, she had just picked me up for a ride in her new super cool car. We were sooo excited!!! We were like totally going like cruising!!

But when I got in the car, she immediately changed the station to the black radio station. Not because we were always listening to Jodeci, Queen Latifah or Naughty by Nature together. Nope. She did it because I was black.

When I called her on it, she turned 50 shades of red, and said, “I’m sorry, that was fucked up.”

And she turned it back to Jakob Dylan and the Wallflowers and we sang “Three Marlenas” (that’s my song!) , with the windows down, and the whole world at our disposal because we were 16, we were best friends and soul sisters and we loved each other and we were fine.

She won’t do that again. Not just to me, but to any black person she comes in contact with. She didn’t get offended — she evaluated her behavior, deduced that in fact even though it was not her intention it was a kind of fucked up thing to do and we both moved the fuck on.

So that’s the moral of the story: Don’t be a dick to your black friend and I assure you she won’t be a dick to you.

Like I said before, I know there are dozens, hundreds, thousands, MILLIONS  of instances that I missed. So please tell me about them in the comments below. I need the laughs.

And no you cannot post “How not to be a Dick to your White Friend,” cause Nobody FUCKING CARES. And remember our agreement White People: White Guilt Abatement for comment reading and sharing on your Facebook, Twitter and the like. Spread the word; it’s only fair.

This article originally appeared on xoJane.