How Relationships Can Make You Codependent (Even If You’re An Independent Person)


I’m a free spirit. I used to find joy in walks alone, I would manage my time at my own pace and I would drink too much coffee past 6pm and only have myself to blame- I liked it that way. Being independent means you have some level of confidence. Even if it’s not very transparent, you still have the urge and the ability to do everything by yourself. You live your life molding everything how you want and need it to be. That is what independent people do; their life revolves around what they need next and what makes them feel good or successful.

I thought I had mastered how to be alone and love it, and then something happened.

I got into a long and serious relationship.

I love relationships, they are what makes the world thrive, but because I had not mastered being independent while IN a relationship (only did I master that by myself) I quickly and unconsciously changed my behaviors and eventually realized what had happened to me, and honestly, what happens to so many other people as well.

The routine we get into with another person starts out slow. Maybe first we ask them to go in and get the takeout food with us, then maybe we make him pick the movie all of the time, then we make Friday nights “our night” to spend together, then it turns to the entire weekend, and then after that we rely so much on the routine that has been established, that we feel out of sorts when something doesn’t happen at the time we planned for it to. This never happened to me (thank God), but I have known countless women (it can be vice versa) who shame themselves for not making his every meal perfectly, or who sleep in and forget to make his coffee before he has to go to work in the morning, simply because that is their routine, and their routine has transformed into an expectation.

The more time a relationship goes on and we let our own personal and established routine dissipate, the harder we fall into the dark hole of codependency.

This is unfortunate, you see, because these are the situations where when the relationship ends, we are completely and totally lost. We then have no idea how to live because we’ve relied on someone else to help us exist for such a long time.

It’s important to balance standing on our own two feel all while indulging in blinded intimacy, because at least then we will always know how to live despite any loss or circumstance that may occur.

It’s crucial that we stay in touch and connected to the routine we initially make for ourselves, and if we haven’t ever made one, it’s detrimentally important that we do.

We have to stay our own person even in the company of a significant other.

Being conscious is the first step; we have to be aware of the moments that we are relying on someone else for security, and the moments when things start to sound bad unless that another person accompanies us in them. We have to be aware of our actions, our formed tendencies, and then after we are aware, we must seek joy and fulfillment in the making of our own platform and routine, and we must never give it up for someone else’s.

We have to practice the balancing act of holding our own, and hopelessly loving someone else. When we master that, we will forever know how to stay wildly independent in our most libidinous relationships.