How The Latest Tinder Conversation Fails Women

Recently, I read Kate Bollock’s Spinster: Making a Life on One’s Own. She opens the book by positing: “Whom to marry, and when will it happen—these two questions define every woman’s existence.” While our society may not overtly prioritize marriage in the same way that it used to, marriage is still a pervasive subject matter in our lives.

As I get older, my social circle of unmarried friends continues to downsize. One by one as my friends become engaged, married, begin a family, I am left with the realization that being “single” feels like a dying breed. It is this realization coupled with social media filled statuses of these events that send me into an anxious panic. It was in one of these panic induced states that I joined Tinder.

I rallied against Tinder for a while believing that it was meant solely for cheap and inauthentic interactions. As my one roommate told me, “I used it as a way to get free meals.” The idea made my skin crawl and yet there I was on a Tuesday evening sitting with my roommates at our shabby kitchen table brainstorming humorous quotes to use for my profile.

At first it was fun. My roommates and I hoarded around my cell. Laughing, swiping left a lot and occasionally swiping right. After a few minutes I had my first match. His name was John; he was 27, cute and had the promising offer of paying for dinner with no strings attached. What a dream. He messaged me with the simple, “Hey, how are you?” I stared at the words not sure if I wanted to respond as my roommates chastised me for making him wait. I was being rude. I waited as an hour passed by with the knowledge that even if I didn’t want to respond, I knew I had an obligation to or else I would be deemed as thoughtless. I answered with the basic, “I’m good. How about you?” We had a banal conversation for 30 minutes, playing the tired game to see who would bend first. I wasn’t impressed.

The conversation died off with me going to bed. John unmatched me the next day.
Unperturbed, I returned to Tinder looking to escape and kill time. I realized that Tinder wasn’t as awful as I thought it to be. There appeared to be a mix of decent guys along with the typical egomaniacs that you would expect to see on a site of this kind.

My problem with Tinder had more to do with myself than with the men. As I mindlessly swiped through photos, making judgments based on the thirty seconds or less that I viewed a guy’s profile I realized that I was willing buying into a myth that has been perpetuated since our existence. I believed that in order to feel self-worth, to believe I was attractive and worth loving that I needed the validation of a man to accomplish this. I realized that I believed I was lesser simply because I was not a part of a couple and every match that did not occur was further assurance that I was unwanted. I recognized that while it was a fun distraction, a way to pass time, a means of laughing at the ridiculousness of dating, I didn’t really want to be on Tinder for my own sake but rather because I was expected to be.

I began to ask myself: When did being in a relationship suddenly mean that you are a better adjusted more advanced version of a person? While I have friends that are in happy relationships, I also see relationships that have unhappy participants. We get into and stay in unhappy and unhealthy relationships for the sake of appearances and the false notion of comfort. At what point do we stop measuring our lives by other people’s standards?

I know two people who are now in serious relationships as a result of Tinder. Some friends have had fun flings, nice encounters that led to friendship, nightmare dates that make you consider buying a cat and calling it a day. I am not trying to denounce Tinder nor do I view it as the “dating apocalypse” as characterized in Nancy Jo Sales’ article for Vanity Fair. Tinder in some respects is what you make it. Much like the real world of going to bars and clubs, you will find an array of men that fall somewhere on the scale between complete douchebag and nice guy.

Also, there is a demographic of women in this world that like no strings attached casual sex. Let’s not reduce our agency in this process. What I fear about this conversation regarding Tinder is the lack of discussion regarding self-empowerment. Either we have to be the victim of hookup culture as described is Sales’ piece or we should be the fun free-spirited casual sex seeking woman in reaction articles such as Amanda Hess’s “The Women! They’re Using Gadgets and Having Sex!” Why do we have to be placed in an unsatisfyingly limited either/or situation?

We have come so far in the last few decades and still have so much more to achieve. Why are we still dependent upon being defined by our relationships? Further in Kate Bollock’s book she notes, “…though marriage was no longer compulsory, the way it had been in the 1950s, we continued to organize our lives around it, unchallenged.” Education, jobs, accomplishments, interests all seem to fall to the wayside when people learn that you are single. Better yet, as I have personally experienced, the conversation moves towards finding a resolution. Being single means that you are problem that needs to be solved
I’m pretty sure that I would be completely fine with being single if I wasn’t made to feel otherwise. Long gone are the days of the sickly and despondent spinsters of Austen novels. At the age of 27, I haven’t lost my bloom. In fact, the older I get, the more I realize that I am coming into my own and finding out who I am. A task that is not easy, especially, when you are in a relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to share your life with someone. I’m not saying that women should forsake relationships and establish a Herland existence nor is this coming from a place of jealously for those who are happily committed couples. Yes, eventually, I too want to find a meaningful relationship. But I want it to be on my own terms and when I’m ready. Rather, I think that it is important as women that we acknowledge our own self-worth outside of others. We need to stop looking to men for fulfillment and start looking at ourselves.