How To Accessorize Your Existential Dread Like A Chic French Girl


Bonjour! Are you looking to add a little je ne sais quois into your daily routine of screaming into the void and crying in public places? Why not make your meltdowns chic by incorporating stereotypes from the French Girl trope?

1. French women love cheese (according to the article How To Eat Like A French Girl), so throw your friends a Wine and Cheese Night. After you set up a palette of different kinds of organic cheese that you theatrically smelled at the Williamsburg Whole Foods, drink too much wine and have a silent meltdown in your bathroom while your guests mingle amongst themselves. As you look in the mirror, consider how empty you really are. Is there anything you don’t regret? Can you really pull off the beret you’re wearing?

2. French women never wear makeup (according to the article How To Look Vaguely French), so throw out all your cosmetics. Use a facial scrub to ~*~effortlessly~*~ claw your own face flesh off and wonder if you’ve always just used makeup as a mask to hide who you truly are. Dig your makeup out of the trash — you are not ready to reveal your true self to the world. Is anyone real? Also your under-eye circles can be seen from space.

3. French women always wear black (according to the article How To Dress Like A French Woman And/Or Really Any Woman Who Wears Black A Lot Because She Can Get Away With Not Washing Her Clothes That Often) so continue to dress in all black. As you get dressed every morning, wonder if everyone feels this alone all the time. Are you trying too hard to be melancholy? Are you in control of anything? French women don’t try at all — be effortlessly panicked.

4. French women prioritize dry shampoo over washing their hair regularly (according to the article How To Wash Your Fucking Hair Like A Fucking French Woman), which is convenient for you because you barely get out of bed and shower. Unfurl your locks from the messy bun you’ve had on the top of your head since last Tuesday and lather dry shampoo into the greasy roots. Ah. Beauty.

5. French women hardly show their emotions or smile (according to the article How To Confuse The Hell Out Of People Like A French Woman). Luckily, you rarely smile, but unfortunately you cry in public a lot. It’s just, ugh, even the smallest accomplishments seem so insignificant these days. Maybe you’d feel better if you wore loafers or rode a whimsical bike to work or ate more cheese or had an affair or something. Then would you be able to experience feeling?

6. French women age gracefully (according to almost any article written about French women), but it’s too late for you. Your skin is sagging, the contact lenses you use are shriveled and dry and make your eyes weepy and red, the worry line between your eyebrows deepens as you continue decaying. Have you tried wearing an ascot scarf? Can something so simple help hold you together?