How To Act Crazy Over Someone You Like

Remind yourself over and over again that you are not “that girl,” but act like her anyway. You know, the one who can’t shut up about the guy she’s seeing — the girl who constantly tortures her friends with questions that they couldn’t possibly have the answers to but will entertain anyway, such as, “Do you think he actually wants to date me?” or “Is it too soon to sleep with him?” and “What do you think this text message means?”

Edit, re-edit, delete, and re-write all text based forms of communication with him. Scrutinize over how often you should be in touch. Wonder if you’re coming off too needy and stop responding so readily, then decide that you’re acting too aloof and shoot him some random pointless message, which you will then overanalyze and regret sending until he responds back. Almost break your fingers reaching for your phone when you see that you have a new message. Resist throwing it against the wall when you realize it’s a mass text from that bar you gave your number to last weekend in hopes of winning a free happy hour.

Become friends with him on Facebook and try not to stalk his ex. Resist for an impressive 12 minutes before you click on her profile. Try to stop there. Fail miserably since half of her pictures are blocked and you can’t get an accurate sense of if you are, in fact, better looking than she is. Google search her name. Find out that she looks like a 90-pound version of Scarlett Johansson. No, seriously, they could be sisters. Start to panic. Consult your friends, who are getting tired of this but still humor you anyway, and let them comfort your crazy ass by saying things like “his ex is an ex for a reason” and “maybe it’s just a good camera angle.”

Assume after 48 hours of not hearing from him that he met someone else, and that he’s over you. Start mentally preparing yourself to move on. Consider deleting his number. Think about reinstating your OKCupid account. Tell yourself that you’ll be okay. Who needs all that relationship bullshit anyway? Not you. You’re just fine on your own. His loss. Single life, FTW!!! Receive a text message from him an hour later, and consider that maybe you should chill the fuck out.

Realize that he hasn’t made plans to see you in almost a week. Start to stress out. Why hasn’t he asked you to hang out again? Could he really already have plans for the entire week? Is he seeing other people? Should you also be seeing other people? Why would he want to see other people?! WHERE IS THIS GOING!?!

Try not to make concrete plans for the weekend in hopes that he’ll ask you to hang out. Resign yourself to spend the weekend dateless until he asks you Friday afternoon what you’re doing Saturday night. Attempt to not look lame by responding that you don’t know yet, and then jump on his offer to go out.

Have an awesome night with him — one for the books, where your stomach does somersaults and your face starts to hurt from smiling and nothing awkward happens. Make out intensely in the middle of the bar and fail to notice the innocent bystanders that are probably pretty grossed out by the two of you. Have a hard time saying goodnight, but manage to take yourself home.

Wake up the next morning. Repeat.

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