How To Adopt Twin Three-Legged Cats


1. Get stoned and type “disabled cats” + (your city) into your internet search browser one day while you’re bored and lying on the couch.

2. Start thinking about the possibility of owning disabled cats over the course of a week, and become obsessed by the idea.

3. Familiarize yourself with strange forums run by oversensitive animal lovers and cat ladies.

4. Seize the opportunity when you find an advertisement that appeals to you. Example: “Pasta and Porto, 4 months old, survivors of terrible dog bite accident.” Send an email! Make a phone call!

5. Meet up with the people that are holding your new best friend(s) hostage. Ask them about their medical history, even though they’re probably going to lie to you because they don’t want to admit you’ll need to pay for surgery within the next year.

6. Make an exchange for the adoption and voila! You have officially become the owner of a disabled animal!

Hey, why does it matter that they’re disabled? Do you have a fetish for amputees or something? What’s wrong with you?

Maybe I’m just curious about experiences that are foreign to me, okay? Maybe I just want to observe something unusual and see where it takes me.

What are you saying, that disabled people are unusual? They’re unusual, they’re not normal?

No, it’s just interesting. I just think it’s more interesting.

7. Okay, so then you start to realize that as the kittens are growing, their bones are popping out of their nubs and they’re leaving traces of blood all over the house. Then what? Go back to the vet and ask them what to do. They will give you some ointment to help heal the wound, and a collar to prevent them from licking it.

9. When that stops working, then you will need to cut off more of their legs. If you try this at home, it might end up being very sad. Negotiate with the vet about prices.

10. Keep an eye on their wounds as they heal. First the vet might use surgical thread to stitch the wound- but as we all know, cats love thread.

11. When your cat has effectively taken off their collar to play with their stitches’ thread enough times, take them to the vet to replace the thread with staples!!!

12. Go back to remove the staples. Hold the cat you just adopted while the vet takes out small pieces of metal from their tender, mutilated flesh- sans anesthetic. Realize how docile your cats have become.

13. After this things will start to get peaceful. Sometimes your cats will try to scratch themselves with the leg they don’t have. Maybe just lend them a hand by scratching their face while their muscles spontaneously expand and contract, and hope that they won’t know the difference.