How To Be A Complete Douche


Never call your mother. Don’t text back the person you’re sleeping with; make sure you wait at least five hours before returning the texts of the numerous people you’re sleeping with. Don’t spend Christmas with your girlfriend or your family. Spend Christmas at a resort with your bro friends and tweet about it. Check in on Foursquare.

Take pictures of the food you’re eating in other countries and post them on Facebook. Take your time ‘figuring out your plan’ while your aging parents extend themselves to pay back your student debt. Brag about your dick size. Brag about your game. Brag about how many beautiful women you have been with this week to the woman you are drunkenly going home with.

Pursue a woman and then lose interest when you finally earn her reciprocation. Go home with a woman, pet her cats when you get in her door at night, and wait until she’s sitting in your lap taking her shirt off to say ‘I’m not really looking for a girlfriend.’ Spend a long time explaining why your disbelief in monogamy is morally superior.  Or just don’t talk about it. Master the phase-out.

Complain a lot about shit getting weird, or people getting weird. Describe in depth how it’s always other people’s fault that you are ‘in a situation.’ Say you’re just too nice to everyone and that’s why you’re not happy. Say your friends are always taking advantage of you and that’s why you don’t find the time to go to their shows or their readings or to read their articles. Be way too excited about media from the 1980s. Militantly defend your right to have a serious interest in children’s cartoons.

You could take a lot of pictures of yourself and put them on Facebook, but if you want to do this right, have other people take a lot of pictures of you. Have a girl take a lot of pictures of you. Be Facebook friends with a lot of very pretty girls who have shy, pained looks, are shown cradling little cameras like they are really looking for something nice to take pictures of. Appear in the pictures they took but never be photographed beside them. Be Facebook friends with a lot of very pretty girls who are too cool to put anything in their profiles.

Say you ‘love geeks’ and then make fun of them. Make fun of your friends for all of their interests. Do this aggressively until it’s hurtful. Then laugh a lot and make them feel like they’re weak or too sensitive. They don’t understand your humor.

Send mass texts that say ‘what are you doing tonight’, and choose from the best option. Ask someone who invites you out ‘who else is there.’  Suddenly be on the other side of town if you change your mind about the option. Don’t answer the people who bother to reply with less compelling options. When everyone leaves the bar to go to your friend’s birthday, stay at the bar because you’re ‘trying to get something going on.’ No one will be surprised.

Go to parties and don’t bring any money and suddenly become interested in making friends with the one person at the party who has something you want to consume. Have really great bonding time with that person only on occasions when you and that person are consuming things. Say you will totally get lunch with them sometime and have a real conversation not-fucked-up and never do it. Puke in the sink.

Go to parties and decide to have ‘the talk’ there with someone you’ve been in a fight with or who broke your heart or whose heart you broke. Be those people who are having a really dramatic intense discussion in a corner or on the roof all night and make all the other guests uncomfortable. Do not let the other person escape. Make sure the other person has plenty to drink. Leave the party once they are locked in the bathroom throwing up and worrying others, and ask the person’s friend to take care of them before you leave so that you can feel like you’re a good person.

Steal coats. Steal laptops. Steal people’s shit from parties. Blame ‘the black guys’ who showed up later. Lie about your drinking problem. Lie about your drug problem. Exaggerate about your childhood. Be a victim. Make excuses. Refuse to believe you’re not a really good person. Talk a lot about how you are not well understood. Talk a lot about how you are a survivor and ‘reach out’ to others so you can help them be more like you. Hit reply-all on emails.

Have, like, a really hard time finding a job right now. Complain about the economy. Don’t watch the news, then complain about politics in vague terms. Be aggrieved. Get other people to make you dinner. Get other people to lend you money. Always have an expensive record collection, no matter how hungry you are.

Refuse to look at girls who aren’t skinny. Have an idealized idea of your future partner that no realistic human being can match. Judge everyone for not living up to your expectations. Blame your upbringing, blame your family, blame your poor Mom.  Only call her when you are drinking with your friends and when she texts you, make fun of how she doesn’t have the hang of it yet. Make websites about how your parents don’t know how to do modern things. Circulate them at your workplace.

Make tumblrs about yourself. Circulate them on Twitter. Insist on being heard. Leave comments on articles complaining that the article was too long for you to have read.

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