How To Be A Lady


A lady always has a smile on her face. She is smiling when she is with her dearest friends. She smiles at waiters and waitresses. She also smiles at the thief who is robbing her of her purse. She can’t help but smile, it’s who she is.

A lady never raises her voice, in fact, she talks almost in whispers. If she dared to speak louder, people would actually listen to what she has to say, to her opinions, to her take on various topics. Her thoughts would be out in the open… How terrible would that be!

A lady always wears fashionable, high-heeled footwear, so her legs look splendid, like a lady’s legs should look. But she cannot strut with pride. She only stumbles around. She’s an easy prey for anyone who decides to chase her. But this is all a fair price to pay in order to look like a lady, isn’t it?

A lady always thinks about others before considering her own needs. Don’t forget that every lady is a mother at heart, and she can’t help but be a mother always, even to people that aren’t her own children. Especially if said people are gentlemen. Because, you see, a lady is just so nurturing! She has given up the basic right of thinking about herself and her needs before considering anyone else’s because she’s such an altruistic being. She would never dream of expressing assertively exactly what she wants. She would never even consider standing up for herself. Because you see, being assertive about one’s needs and wants is a privilege, and one that only gentlemen have.

Under no circumstances will you find a lady complaining. She’s so sweet and considerate, she just doesn’t want to make the people around her feel uncomfortable by expressing her constructive criticism, or by being brutally honest at key moments, or by fighting for what she deserves. No, a lady just sits there, nodding, agreeing politely. That’s what a true lady does.

A lady has an even, sweet temper. Her husband was unfaithful? No problem! A lady will smile at the news. She’ll empathize. She’ll be understanding. She’ll forgive blindly when she has to. A lady with a short fuse isn’t a lady, because everyone knows ladies are incapable of feeling anger. Not the proper kind of anger, at least. The kind of anger gentlemen feel – The kind of anger that’s justified, that’s a natural emotion that arises at certain moments. Oh, no. The only emotion resembling anger is the hysteria ladies feel while PMSing and during their periods. It’s only natural: A lady might feel angsty because she doesn’t have a baby in her uterus – She’s not performing the one function which she was sent to the world to perform, which is reproducing. A lady with a quick temper isn’t a lady: A member of the female sex that gets “angry” easily is simply hysterical, and in need of male attention. But a truly angry woman? No, that doesn’t exist.

It’s been a long time since true, genuine ladies have existed. I think ladies were proper ladies for the last time in history shortly before they started to vote and own property. I certainly do miss those times… Ladies would sit separately from men and talk about petty nuisances such as childcare and housework, almost in whispers, so they wouldn’t interrupt the truly important conversations taking place amongst men. True ladies dressed in demure colors and made sure to always look respectably pretty, because they understood their place in society as human decoration. Or hardly human decoration, I should say, but beautiful decoration indeed! Who cares if it’s human!

Today, there are some modern ladies scattered around, but they are just not the same, you know? Even if they refuse to call themselves feminists and a day never goes by in which they don’t do at least a little something for a man in their lives, they are not as demure. Not as respectable.

And then there are those unnatural monsters who dare to think they can do the same as men do. They think they can go around having sex without planning to have babies, and ENJOYING it, without feeling like they are losing their dignity because of it. They are LOUD. They have opinions. Some of them even… I cannot bring myself to say this… Decide not to have children. EVER. It’s an anomaly! It’s against nature! They are a waste! They think about making themselves happy first, and then they think about pleasing their partners, who, sometimes, aren’t even MEN!

Where has the world ended up? Where is it going? Ladies, we need to be demure again. We need to be respectable. Women need to start ignoring their natural, biological need for sex and start acting like pretty, non-human robots. Otherwise, they, they… They will make men feel uncomfortable! Yes! So uncomfortable, they might decide to leave them! Forever!

And what is a lady without her man?