How To Be A Woman Who Is Also A Horse


So! You’ve been born a woman who is also a horse; you’re a mutant amalgam, a centaur-type fantasy-style creature, if you will. Good for you! These are exciting times, and in these times, we all need guidance. We have advice out there for women already, sure, but where is the wisdom that today’s modern horse-woman needs? No worries. I have some wisdom for you, you modern-day-woman-horse-centaur, you.

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1. Play horseball as a foal. You’re strong. You’re a woman-horse. You don’t have to dodge; you’re an enormous horse-like creature. Stupid balls just bounce off of you. You’re not afraid of getting hurt. This is how you win as a woman-horse.

2. Do something that involves getting down on your fetlocks, in dirt. Then rise up again. You’re not afraid of dirt, which would be a bizarre thing to be afraid of anyway. You’re a horse-woman! He will look at you and see a lion… or a horse.

3. Toss your mane. You do not need his awe.

4. Neigh in defiance of things! You’re a horse-woman, so own it, mare-girl! Neigh. Dance like nobody’s watching. Prance like you’ll never be hurt.

5. Develop an interest in a male-dominated career which centaurs do not usually take part in. Then, do it better than the non-centaurs. “Whoa!” the men in the office will say. “This centaur-woman is the shit.” Do not be spooked by them saying, “Whoa!” You’re not like that. You don’t have to whoa, just because they say “whoa.” You do not spook easily. This is how you win as a horse-women-thing.

6. Fall in love with a broken stallion, but don’t try to fix him. He’ll probably be shot and sent to the glue factory soon enough anyway. You’re not a control-freak like that. As a horse-woman, you must accept that one day he’ll be glue — or, possibly, dog food, hopefully the expensive kind of dog food.

7. Know how to fall asleep. This can be tricky. You’re sort of part horse, after all. Do you lie on the ground? How does that work, anyway? Or do you just tuck your head over your shoulder and fall asleep standing up? Anyway, figure it out. Figure out how to fall asleep.

8. Show just enough skin. Or fuzz? Hair? What do horses have? …Hide? Horse-hide? “Hide” sounds gross and creepy though.

9. Eat some oats. Then eat some more oats. This is how you win as a horse-woman.

10. You can’t be all horses to all people or all half-woman-horse to other regular horses, or all woman to non-horses, or all horse to horse. You can only do what you can do. Enjoy it. Prance. Snort. Canter. Gallop when you have to. This is how you win, for realz.

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