How to be My Boyfriend


I want you to be Hispanic and come from a big loving family. I want to be invited to family barbecues, birthday parties and maybe even the occasional Quinceanera. Your parents will need to forget about their Catholicism and accept me as your lover.

If you’re not Hispanic, I want you to have an olive skin tone. I really like dark skin and it’s something that’s non-negotiable. The last person I need to be with is another white boy from the Valley.

You also need to have a nice ass and look like you eat regularly. I’m not in the mood to be the fat one in the relationship so if you could keep eating that spaghetti, that would be great.

Drugs: let’s talk about them. Do everything in moderation. Don’t smoke too much pot because I will think you’re lazy and start to lose respect for you. However, I would love it if we could take the occasional Xanax together and watch a movie. That’d be sweet, wouldn’t it?

Drink wine with me, babe, and let’s accidentally get wasted at a house party. Be careful though because if you drink an extra glass, I’ll make a note of it and be on the look out for alcoholic tendencies. This is only because I care about you.

Lets have similar music taste but also feel free to surprise me with an interest in Afrobeat or Jazz or even Reggae. If you tell me you like an album that I’ve never heard of, I will feign disinterest until you leave. Then I’ll buy the album off iTunes and fall in love with it on my own. Sorry, I’m just a brat like that.

Drink wine with me, babe, and let’s accidentally get wasted at a house party.

Oh, I should mention that I can be a raging asshole. Here’s the deal with that: I have a very dominating personality but I also love it when someone dominates me. I will make snide comments to you all the time to see what your limits are. In these instances, it’s very important that you push back and call me out on my bullshit. If you do, I’ll have instant respect for you and it will actually turn me on. We’ll have good sex after, for sure.

That reminds me: sex. I like to pretend that I’m a secret freak-on-a-leash in bed, but I don’t think I actually am. I’m too into being tender and loving and kissing a lot. But if you want to be rough and crazy, I guess I can go that way, too. And don’t worry about not having a big penis. Those actually scare me.

It would be great if we haven’t slept with any of the same people. But I understand that this can be an impossible feat in the gay world and I’ll have to let it slide. Just no more than 2 people, please.

When it comes to class and finances, have enough money so that we can go to the movies or you can pay for dinner at Whole Foods. But don’t have much more than that because rich people are almost always weird and often come with their own set of baggage. If you don’t have a summer house or a grandmother named Mitsy, we should be fine.

I’d prefer it if you weren’t a writer. Two writers in a relationship just makes for a lot of competition and theatrics.  If you do happen to write, I’m not going to sit with you and talk about the merits of Joan Didion or Russian literature because it’s boring and I don’t want us to ever be boring. I will support you in all of your professional endeavors though and I will be so proud of you when something goes right. I will be there to pop the champagne and say that I think you’re the best. I’ll mean it too. I won’t always mean everything I say but I will mean that.

Be funny- be really funny.  I want you to banter with me like we’re in a ping-pong match. Back and forth, back and forth. Entertain me as much as I entertain you.

Be nice, be normal. Avoid going to parties at downtown hotels that have party photographers. Go to bars in Brooklyn or in Alphabet City. Wear some flannel, if you feel like you have to. Don’t smoke. Smoking sucks.

One last thing: When we become boyfriend/boyfriend, I’m not going to go on to Facebook and change my relationship status to “Blah Blah Blah is in a relationship with Blah Blah Blah”. At most, I’ll change it to “In A Relationship”. I hope you can respect that.

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