How To Be The Other Woman


Wear sexy underwear every time you see him. But one day, wear the ugliest pair you own, the old, holy worn-out pair you save for hungover days or periods. Tell him to deal with it.

Don’t feel pressured to let him fuck you in the ass or put on a show every time you see each other. This is not porn.

Always be a little warm to the touch.

Look healthy, not sad. Wear blush. Brush your hair. Look pretty. Look like yourself.

Remember that this what you wanted. This is what he wanted. Don’t feel guilty, but don’t gloat, either.

Never let anyone smell him on you. Become a frequent bather. Start using various soaps and body washes in different fragrances so you’re difficult to place simply by scent. Don’t wear the same perfume every day; go to a department store and beg for a few samples. You never realize how much your perfume clings to things because you’re not the one there to smell them after you’ve left.

Never, ever stay the night. Even if he begs. If you must, wash the sheets. Wipe down every surface. Vaccuum. Hide your presence like you’re covering up a murder. In a way, you kind of are.

Let yourself have emotions. It’s OK to be angry. It’s OK to be over the moon. It’s OK to wear a trench coat and aviator sunglasses and nothing underneath and pretend you’re a call girl.

Don’t ask him about her. Pretend that he’s just on leave from the army, or he lives far away and is visiting you while he’s on a business trip. Don’t dwell. Remember, men rarely leave their wives and girlfriends for the other woman. You know this; you’ve done it before. You know you’re hurting someone but you’re making yourself happy, and that’s a hard line to walk.

Talk about it with someone you trust. Write about it in a journal. Tell your mom or your cat or your barista. Gab about it with your girlfriends for hours if you want. You can’t internalize this kind of thing forever, because at some point the secret will spill out of your mouth and it will feel like watching a bloody car crash happen on the street in front of your house.

Never ever say her name.

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