How To Drink At Home By Yourself, Part 2


Halt! Read How To Drink At Home By Yourself, Part 1 here.

Gently pick up the grains of rice you spilled on your shirt and prepare them for consumption by balancing them delicately on your fingernail. The way an anteater gracefully hoovers its prey through its nose; so shall you inhale the spilled contents of your burrito (using your mouth, of course). When you’re finished, crumple the burrito remains into a tinfoil ball and shove it aside. Someone will clean that up eventually, maybe even you, if it’s still there in the morning. Refill your glass again.

Now that you’re adequately sauced, turn to the internet. Command that people pay attention to you by following the directions below.

  1. Tweet: “tonight was terrible. no longer believe in the goodness of people”
  2. GChat someone you hardly know: “i’m bored. let’s skype.”
  3. Share the video for “Miserlou” by Dick Dale and the Del-Tones on your Facebook wall with the caption “letz go surfinggg”
  4. Take a ‘sexy’ picture of yourself using Photobooth and upload it to Tumblr with the caption ‘horny’
  5. Send an email to your ex that says, ‘hi. i hope we can be friends, someday.”
  6. Tweet: “it never ends… going to bed.”

Don’t go to bed. Refill your glass. Go to YouTube and type in “Ambien videos.” Watch a guy who took Ambien drag his “robotic” arm across a carpet and tell his friend, “There’s too much electricity, I have to cut my arm off.” Type in “birds dancing” and watch videos of birds dancing. Type in “dirty dancing” and watch Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey have the time of their lives. Whisper, “Johnny Castle. You were too good for this world.”

Have another glass of wine. Feel a bit nostalgic and ‘over’ the internet. Head to your room and take out The Box. You know, The Box. Pour all of your old ticket stubs and letters out on the floor and lay on your stomach to examine them. N *Sync No Strings Attached Tour. Gothika. Eurotrip (the movie, not an actual Eurotrip). A letter from your former best friend circa 8th grade, which includes the following: LYLAS, G2G, <g>, excessive use of the word ‘dork,’ excessive use of the words ‘chicken hoe,’ TT4N, W/B. You will not be able to remember what some of those mean.

Find a hat in your closet that you bought three years ago but never wore. Put it on.

Decide that you’re going to hunker down for the night. Pour a glass of wine and set it on your nightstand. Scroll through your text messages and answer the ones you’ve ignored, even if it’s been a few days. “sorry im just getting back to this, guess i missed the bday celebration, next time :),” “K,” “sounds good,” “who is this.” Do this until you pass out in bed.

Wake up face down on the couch at 3 a.m., knowing that you’ve had the time of your life.

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image – Derek Gavey