How To Feel Hot

Feeling hot is a way of life. Being hot and feeling hot are two different things but also kind of the same thing. Being hot is objective. It means that the universe can look at you and say yes, you’re hot. Feeling hot, on the other hand, is subjective. It means that you don’t care what the universe says because you have your own ideas and opinions. See the paradox?

If you feel hot, despite the objectivity of the universe, then you have already won against the universe, therefore the universe is obsolete and you are hot.

Another little contradiction is that if you are trying or hoping to feel hot, then that is usually the opposite thing as hot. Maybe you are reading this because you need a little boost- something to make you feel inspired- or maybe you are having a bad day, or maybe you just got a weird hair cut and you don’t feel nice, or maybe you’re just completely bored and uninventive. In any case, here are my rules on how to feel hot:

1. Imagine the pinnacle of hotness in your mind and then recreate it in reality. My mom always said, “fake it, ’til you make it,” but I think you should “fake it until you gradually fail to realize what you are faking because you’ve already manifested it and can longer differentiate between the two.” The important thing is to be honest. I cannot stress how crucial this is- because if you are dishonest with yourself about the pinnacle of hotness then you are choosing a path that is illusory and doesn’t go anywhere! For me, the pinnacle of hotness is a baker from a pâtisserie on rue Mount Royal. Why? I have spent a lot of time considering why. I was first drawn to the baker because I realized I felt threatened by her. I was buying croissants with my partner and she was interacting with him so seductively. I was surprised by my internal response- something clicked. She was wearing an oversized, white baker’s uniform. She had flour all over herself, she wore a hair-net, no makeup, short, portly, seemingly a decade older than me, SHE RADIATED. Is it simply because she can bake? Am I secretly insecure about my domestic potential? Is that my pinnacle of hotness? No, it was her eyes, the eyes! So mysterious, so many secrets behind them. She embodied this strange, refreshing mixture of carefulness and carelessness in everything she did, all the simple motions of making cappuccino and producing change, and with that she pulled me out of my feigned universe of superiority. She was majestic…

2. If you’re having trouble realizing the pinnacle of hotness for you, maybe you could spend some time alone, walking around in different ways. What do I mean by that? Literally walk back and forth across an empty room, in a bunch of different ways. Sometimes if I notice that I’m not feeling as positively as I could be feeling, I just change my posture and movement. I slow down, straighten my back, lift my head, whatever (imagine glaciers melting from my eyelids.) You’ve probably heard someone say “keep your chin up” before, in your life. Have you ever tried it? It is possible to look like a stuck-up snobby lil asshole this way, but at least it’s better than feeling desperate and pathetic. Another weird thing about strong posture is robin’s breast. When you straighten your back so much that your chest juts out like a distracting, mythological caricature of someone with authority. But guess what? Having a healthy spine is way more important than feeling hot and will probably result in the latter anyway.

3. If you’re really feeling insecure, try going on the internet and typing your desires into the search bar. Lots of other people exist in the world and also have the internet, so there is always power in number. Be careful about what kind of insecurity you bump into though. Insecurity comes in all different shapes and packages and assholes. Best outcome is: you stumble onto a forum that discusses issues you really care about (issues other than feeling hot) and then you make a genuine friendship rooted in positivity and freedom of expression. By seeking out fun and communities built around what you think is fun, it will be very realistic for you to find a friend or a group of friends or a sex partner that can distract you from feeling like you need to read an article entitled “How to Feel Hot.” Remember: opening yourself up to a sea of invisible strangers can be risky unless you’re prepared to deal STRINGS OF SYMBOLS THAT DON’T MEAN ANYTHING BECAUSE WE’RE ALL JUST ANIMALS SHITTING AND FUCKING IN A VOID OF OUR OWN CARBON DIOXIDE, somewhere (ontological distinctions?) in the vast expanse of space and time.