How To Have Bad Sex


Be on different pages. Have your partner be on page 69 of 50 Shades Of Grey and you be on page “I just wanna lay down and have you do stuff to me.” Have it be 2:35 in the afternoon—a time when couples who love each other deeply and don’t need to hide their naked body in the dark  can only have sex. Decide that you’re not ready to have 2:35pm sex with this person. You’re still hoping and praying he hasn’t seen the few zits on your back and the fact that your stomach folds over when you’re in certain positions.  Hope and pray he hasn’t seen you for what you are yet.

Try to imagine yourself loving this person. This is very easy to do with an erection. I mean, you can love just about anything if your cock is hard. And by “love”, I mean “want to do things to this person’s naked body and then maybe never call them again.” Hehehehehehehe. Doesn’t it feel good to pretend you have no feelings?

I’m serious though. Actually think of your life together and adoring this person when their clothes are on, when they’re wearing a turtleneck, when they get cancer and can’t have sex, when they start to flinch when you touch them. Think about loving them then. Uh-oh. Your dick is going soft. I guess you can only love this person when they’re a ripe, young thing. It’s okay, it’s okay. That’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that you can love the outsides and not the insides.

Force it. Force a kiss. Force a blowjob. Have their tongue go into you like daggers. Be aggressive in hopes that it will spark some passion. It’s just like the movies. You saw them, you grabbed them, you threw them on the bed. You’re feeling primal. You’re animalistic. You’re getting screwed back to life today. Uh-huh. Mmmhmmmm. Work really hard to stay in the moment. Work really hard to to want him.

Feel all the insecurities about your body creep up during sex. Have your fat hold you hostage. It’s holding a gun to your head and preventing you from fully letting go. It’s whispering evil things in your ear and slapping you around. ITS RUINING EVERYTHING, DAMN. He knows. He knows it and he’s looking at it and it’s ruining everything for him too.

The sex is not connecting. It’s trying so hard. It gets an A for effort but it’s just not coming together. The more he’s inside you, the farther away he feels.  WHYWHYWHYWHY is this happening? Have him go down on you and get distracted. Focus on a crack on the wall and find yourself getting further and further away from achieving an orgasm. Your orgasm is on the moon at this point. It’s not going anywhere near you. Start to feel guilt about not cumming. Look down at your boy and see him working so hard. If he only knew that he wasn’t going to get a finish. You should just tell him you’re not going to cum. But wait, you think you found your orgasm! Yes, here it is! You can feel it. OH JK, that was just a foot cramp. Shoot. You’re really not going to cum.

The sex is bad because of him, because of you, because it’s the afternoon, because you’re distracted, because you wouldn’t touch him if he got cancer. because you’re lazy, because he’s lazy, because you worked so hard to have good sex. The sex is bad because the two of you together are bad.

Masturbate to the arch in his back. Fall asleep and dream of good sex.

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image – Noah Kalina