How To Have Sex When You Hate Everyone

SO you’ve successfully come out of your recent house of horrors relationship, in which you caught your ex fucking your next door neighbor on your birthday/valentines day/ right after your engagement. You’ve gone through the stages of grief hundreds of times over. You’ve even thought, “Poor Robert Pattinson, I should make myself a team Robert/Edward t-shirt that I will never wash and wear it underneath all my clothes for solidarity.”

You’ve shame-spiraled and gotten humiliatingly sad-drunk in a public restroom alone at 2 p.m. You’ve listened to T-Swift’s “We Are Never Getting Back Together” and tried to celebrate the transition away from your shambled co-dependent post-break up ego. Now you want to move on, but the only problem is you fucking hate all people forever now, and you are ruined to the opposite sex who you will never forgive for so shamelessly gutting you open and bleeding you dry until you are a hollow, bitter, disdainful husk of a human, incapable of love or adherence to moral Western law. That’s rough bro.

Everyone keeps telling you to “get back out there.” Where the fuck is that? I don’t want to be there. There is no such thing as true love, and everything is decidedly terrible. I will strangle the next person who tries to hit on me. But, unfortunately, meaningless sex is actually very therapeutic to the healing process, effectively cutting former emotional and physical ties with your former paramour, symbolically signifying you are no longer pining for He/She Who Shall Not Be Named. (Let us hope, anyway.) Eventually, the possibility of having sex seems like a desirable goal, except you are most likely the most un-charming person in the bar, due to your cynicism and hawk-like scowl, and, let’s face it, B.O. You are the anti-poon. In desperate times such as these, a little thing called LYING TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS comes in quite handy. You basically need to misrepresent your entire existence for a few short hours and ply the intended target full of booze, using these key strategies that will trick said human into copulating with your genitals.

I know it’s scary, but it is in fact perfectly achievable. Think of me as your shepherdess leading you to the land of Milk and Honey, to The Field of Dreams, where you can dare to dream your field of dreams, if you just reach for that rainbow! Heed my words, dream-weavers, and you’ll be on the fast-track to makin’ it with hot, faceless, one night stand discards like there’s no tomorrow.

Step 1: Acquire target.

Go to a bar/nightclub/warehouse party/rave/sweaty-human-sardine can locale in which you would find your peers abusing substances and grinding on every inch of each other. Then look around this disgusting lecherous watering hole of humanity and scan the crowd for your target. It is especially important to feed your deep-seated self-esteem issues by choosing someone who is in every way the physical superior of H/SWSNBN (see He/She Who Shall Not Be Named), so in your own twisted way you will have proven your own prowess and so your pride swells before crashing down into indifference. This also helps curb the self-loathing that may follow for certain “sensitive types”.

Step 2: Drink enough to feel okay about your immoral choices.

Don’t drink to the point that you are incapable of functioning, start crying, or throw up. This is often a deal-breaker for some targets (although, speaking from personal experience, if you are a straight girl this is sometimes considered attractive to men. Color me flabbergasted). But in general as a rule this should be avoided. Just drink enough that you feel confident and self-assured enough to handle possible rejection without collapsing into a misery puddle on the ground in front of everyone.

Step 3: Get close to your target.

Make yourself known to intended target by dancing near them, offering to buy them a drink at the bar, acting open and available, and maintaining eye contact periodically.

Step 4: Engage with your target.

This is the most difficult part of the whole process. Now it is time to trick your target into being attracted to you, even though you are a deeply flawed misanthrope secretly praying for their destruction. Make conversation. Twenty-Somethings all have an inexplicable predilection towards these strategies, and these charades can help you seal the deal if you happen to be struggling. These include hearkening to 90’s nostalgia, making fun of redheads, telling people about you traveling to India/Africa, pretending to be classy and Important, saying you enjoy French New-Wave cinema, offering them some of your sweet potato fries, talking about how you are training for a 5K for Fighting Breast Cancer, “being into social justice” and, should you be so blessed to have it, using your natural God-given charisma.

NOTE: You will violently hate yourself, and them, for this obsequious act of fraud you are both engaging in, but CONTINUE TO SUPPRESS THIS WITH EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING AND KEEP SMILING LIKE YOU ARE UTTERLY THRILLED. And, above all keep them drinking until you both start to get closer.

Step 5: Initiate hook-up sequence.

Once you have completed Step 4, you will find yourself getting closer and closer to your target, perhaps, (although this is unlikely) you are even having a good time flirting. You are touching, holding hands, talking closely together, sitting on each other, or engaging in some other vomit-inducing behavior. Now take it to the next level. The Sloppy Make-out Level. Grab them by the drunk head and yank them towards your face kissing them like you are making the genuine human connection which you are in fact incapable of. Avoid overcompensating via your zealous tongue.

Step 6: Follow the yellow brick road to candyland.

At this point, you’d have to be a total fucking moron to screw this up. They should be putty in your sociopathic hands by now. After adequate dry-humping in the restroom/alleyway, suggest to go to your apartment. Try not to think about all the passionate and sincere expressions of love that took place in your bedroom before. That person is dead to you. You are a sojourner on the path to mindless, meaningless sex, which will not make you feel like your soul is expanding, and then when it’s over shatter your universe. On the contrary, you will feel only searing awkwardness, unprecedented hilarity, or visceral pleasure, followed by nothing—that complete and sublime mistress known as apathy.