How to Not Lose Your Virginity in 7 Steps
STEP ONE
Go on birth control at age twelve for Accutane. This will require a pap smear. Ask your extremely Catholic mother if the speculum took your virginity. She will stare at you for ten minutes with the same expression your CCD teacher had when you asked why priests give wine to children.
STEP TWO
Refrain from sexual contact in high school. This will be easy, as you will alternately be in love with guys who have no interest in you versus in relationships with guys who are too shy to unhook your bra. Your longest legitimate relationship will be six months with a guy who looks great in a powder blue suit, makes out with you during The Passion of the Christ, and is dumb as rocks.
Don’t be attracted to your patient, sweet, and hyper-intelligent best friend who is obviously in love with you. Instead, write him a short story implying he has erectile dysfunction.
STEP THREE
Learn how to masturbate at age sixteen by touching yourself to the weirdest porn on the Internet. Orgasm. It will be like a body seizure, but with less black-outs and tongue-control issues. Roll your eyes when girlfriends tell you, “I can’t orgasm without a guy.” Worry when you can’t get off to vanilla porn.
STEP FOUR
Enroll in a large urban college. Dress awkwardly/have terrible hair. Compete for the same boy with your new friend. Lose.
Work at an adult novelty store over the summer. Become a top-seller at the store because you study sex “how-to” books when business is slow. Your coworkers will call you “The Librarian.” With your bonus, buy a ball gag. It will be your favorite toy. It will also be the only toy your parents discover and confiscate. On half-off day, buy the Vibratex Rock Your World, recommended by O Magazine. Expect mind-blowing orgasms. Instead, realize the Rock Your World is not designed for virgins. To compensate, get into anal toys.
Date your patient, sweet, and hyper-intelligent best friend who is still in love with you. He will not get hard when you make out and it will hurt your self-esteem. Break up with him at the end of the summer. He will never love you again.
STEP FIVE
Study abroad in Paris. Pretend to be sexually experienced. Make up an elaborate story about having anal sex with an Irish man in a rugby tent. Everyone will buy it, and give you high-fives.
STEP SIX
In subsequent years, become skilled at everything except intercourse. Distance blowjobs from emotional investment to a therapy-worthy degree. Start remembering partners by the shape of their penis. One guy will have a penis so small you can cradle it in your palm while erect. Another guy will have a penis that is two-toned, like a pudding cup that is chocolate on top and vanilla on bottom.
Love only men who are coworkers, married, or living in South Africa.
STEP SEVEN
After college, fall in love with a man so intensely you can overlook the fact that he wears gym shoes in public. The acne on his back will be so bad it will be like running your fingers over braille. Love him more intensely for it.
Think, “it is time,” the way Rafiki says it when he discovers Simba is alive. Replace your twin bed of three years with a full-sized bed. Get your pubic hair waxed. It will be so painful you will burst out laughing. The esthetician will tell you there are three hairs growing out of each follicle. Try not to think of it as a sign from God.
Drink tequila with the man. When going down on him, be put off by the smell of his penis. Think about pheromone studies and worry that you are distantly related to him. Realize his penis is large and makes a hard left and cannot possibly fit in your vagina whose maximum capacity is three fingers on a “good day”. Try to get him to finger you. His fingers will grope your vagina the way you grope an amorphous present to gauge its contents.
He will leave early the next morning with a lame excuse. Feel bad because you are still in love with him.