How To Slap A Former Flame In His Stupid F*cking Face
By Katie Joyce
You’ve met a person you sort of like, he’s great at making you feel pretty, and you really like having sex with him. His phallus may not be that big but who cares? You’ll rally through and tell him otherwise, loving every thrust. You’ll be blissful and hopeful for a while about your ‘friendship’ with this man, and then start to realize that he never comes to anything you invite him to and has a knack for only texting you at 3 a.m. after he’s long been blacked out. What do you do when he finally sends you over the edge? What do you do when he picks some bar slut he’s known for three minutes over you, you who took care of him when he was puking all over your house? What do you do when even his friends say that you should end things? What do you do? You slap that asshole in his stupid fucking face, and you love every second of it.
Step 1: Plan the setting
There is little more important than setting when you’re going to slap a boy in his face. If you get the setting wrong, you risk losing the emphasis your slap holds and you become that crazy bitch who slaps people.
You must commit to being sober for the slap. Drunk you is going to want to slap the shit out of him every single time you see him at a bar, but don’t do it. Wait until you’re sober. You know you ramble too much when you’re drunk and sometimes you cry. You don’t want to be the drunken belligerent girl at the bar. Wait until you’re sober.
Slap him where he’s most comfortable: his apartment, his favorite restaurant, or when he’s coming out of the shower. Pick a place you know he loves, and ruin that place for him. Forever will the doorway to his apartment be soiled as the place he got slapped by a girl and almost cried.
Make sure you have witnesses — ideally you will have three. Any less and the story will get exaggerated, and any more and the story will get distorted by the crowd. Bonus points if both of you are friends with the witnesses.
Step 2: Plan your speech
The speech that accompanies the slap can often carry more emphasis than the slap itself. If you’re right on target, not only will his face sting like crazy, but he’ll also regret acting like the worst person alive. If you’re right on target, the witnesses will revere you and you will go down in slap history.
Make your speech short and sweet — three sentences at most. Any longer and he may retaliate with a speech or slap of his own, any shorter and he won’t know what he’s done. My personal favorite is two sentences, long enough to get the point across but short enough to keep him stunned.
Use words that make him think of his childhood: disrespectful, rude, abhorrent, irresponsible, selfish, immature, and inconsiderate are all wonderful options. It’ll make him wonder how he changed into an awful person who treats women like objects. It’ll make him realize that he wouldn’t make his parents proud.
You must not excessively swear during your speech. “You’re a stupid bitch cunt who ruined my life, you fucking asshole!” See how that carries little weight? If you use more than three curse words in your speech, you’re back to being that crazy girl who slaps people. “Fuck you for being a dick, and fuck you for making me cry!” Now that’s a winner. That’s the stuff slap dreams are made of.
Step 3: Practice your slap
The slap itself must be impeccable. It must be equal parts sting and regret — so don’t be afraid to practice! This is what friends are for. Surprise slap them whenever you like. They’ll understand. If they get angry with you for slapping them and you need an alternative, feel free to slap your own arms or face. You know you’re prepared enough to slap someone if you can make yourself regret ever having to slap him in the first place. Get yourself together, you stupid whore.
On another note, if you’re willing to slap your friends and/or yourself to practice making him suffer, you’re probably ready to slap him anyway. You don’t need no practice, gurl.
Step 4: Own your slap
Don’t chicken out. I know you’re outside his apartment waiting to slap him and he’s cute as ever when he answers a door, but he totally deserves it and you totally deserve to have the upper hand for once. He fucking sucks and you know it. He’s probably the worst thing to happen since ‘nam and that’s not an exaggeration. Slap him in his stupid fucking face like the bitch he really is, and be the strong independent woman you want to be. You don’t need him. You don’t need no man.
Slap him, speech him, and leave immediately after. He’ll likely run after you because you’re a beautiful flower and he regrets practically his entire life, but don’t talk to him. Don’t dignify him with an answer. Your speech was pure gold and he’s still an ass, even if he tries to convince you otherwise.
Don’t try to take it back. When you come down from your initial high, you’re going to want to call him and apologize. You’ll look at yourself in the mirror and say, “He would really like this dress. Maybe I should sleep with him tonight.” You’ll say, “Nobody deserves to be physically assaulted. I should tell him I’m sorry and hope he forgives me.” Don’t do it. Instead find a guy who likes your dog and likes having sex with you when he’s sober. Find a guy who knows he’s the luckiest guy in the world for being with you, not someone who only calls you at 3 a.m. and coincidentally has the stupidest fucking face you’ve ever seen.