How to Win Back Your Ex Or Make the Best Lemonade in the World For $0

I could say I’ve spent the last two months researching in preparation of writing this essay, but in reality (something I have trouble coming to terms with), I spent the last two months googling ‘how to win back your ex,’ and clicking into every piece of bait. Each day I learned something new. Some days, they were helpful, move-on facts, such as, ‘The sadness you feel is coming from fear; if it came from love, you’d be happy for him.’ Other times, they were pieces of advice that felt contrite and cliched: ‘WAIT 30 DAYS. Then all will be well.’ Or, ‘Guys like the chase. Just make him chase you. This is how…’ But really, it’s not so easy. So I’ve decided to also write an article about doing something that is not so easy, and probably shouldn’t be done at all (not because of the challenge, but just because it’s really not worth it.)

In order to make the best lemonade in the world with $0 and 0 ingredients, you will have to do some illegal activities. Cool? Cool. You will also have to control someone’s mind. Good? Good. The people I’ve met who know how to make the best lemonade in the world are Italian. So first, you must find an Italian who understands zero English (that’s how you know they’re a real Italian). Then, ask them if they know how to make lemonade. In fact, the older Italian, the better. He or she will nod or shake their head profusely, simply because they do not understand the question. Assume this means si (or ‘yes’ for all you unilingual English-speaking folks, better known as Americans).

Next, you must use a magic spell to control the Italian’s mind, to be sure he or she does not run away. The alternative is buying a leash, but because you have $0, that would be more difficult. One popular mind-control spell is the Imperius curse from Harry Potter. If you are anything like me, you already have a magic wand. If not, you will need to get to Diagon Alley. To do this, simply head into your nearest airport to any airline flying directly to the UK. Although announcements throughout the airport warn passengers to “not leave their baggage unattended,” someone will leave their baggage unattended. Use this opportunity to dump everything from their baggage into the nearest trash receptacle, climb inside, and zip yourself in. Make sure to bring a baggy of food and a water bottle for peeing, since you will likely be inside the baggage for over nine hours. Sleeping pills will also be your friend.

When the plane lands, climb out of the baggage and pretend to be an airport worker. This way, no one will find you suspicious. Walk onto the 724 bus to Watford Junction. If you stride on with confidence, the bus driver won’t even notice that you don’t have your Oyster card. When you get to Watford Junction, do the same on the Harry Potter bus. Confidence makes you more invisible than people believe. If you are questioned, repeat in your best British accent: “Must defeat Voldemort,” until the driver decides the battle is just not worth it and lets you onto the bus. Once you are at the studio, enter the gift shop. There is a large selection of wands that will choose you. Choose the one you feel fits you best. Make sure you are wearing your best running shoes. Take the wand out of the box, and put it down your pants. No one will want to reach there to grab it. Walk out of the store. If you hear an alarm, sprint. Go all the way back to Watford Junction.

Reverse your journey back to your home and the old Italian person. You now have a wand. Use this wand to cast the Imperius curse on the Italian by pointing it at them and saying, “Imperio.” This will work. If you’d rather use magic other than Harry Potter magic, such as Wicken or Lord of Light dark magic, all options are worthy as long as the outcome is the same (mind control). Or you could steal a leash from corporate giant, Petsmart.

Now that you have your Italian mind-controlled and ready to go, take him or her for a walk. Pretend you don’t care about lemonade; this will make them want to make it for you. Apathy is the greatest spark to start a fire, or in this case, a mixing of ingredients to make the best lemonade in the world. It is likely you will pass a bodega. Through mind control, instruct your Italian to grab a lemon from the bodega. He or she should keep grabbing lemons and throwing them to you until you have at least 10. When the bodega owner shows resistance to the theft of the lemon, make him or her interact with the Italian. The Italian will not understand English and therefore will not be able to argue with the bodega owner at all. This makes theft much easier; arguing is acknowledging the situation. If you do not argue, then you can bypass the problem altogether.

At this point, you have worked hard enough. You have your lemons and you have your Italian. Tell the Italian (through mind-control) to make lemonade. He or she will make lemonade. But wait! You must wait 30 days before drinking it. I know it is hard to resist, I know it will take all your energy. In fact, because of this, you will think about the lemonade even more than you would’ve if you just slowly stopped drinking it. So wait 30 days and let your mind think about the lemonade; what is it doing, who is it with, where is it, is it happy? And after 30 days feel free to drink the lemonade. But WAIT! Only in small sips. You don’t want to drink too much lemonade too fast, because then the lemonade will get sick of you (just like you’d get sick of the lemonade). And then, eventually, through a smile on your face and patience, you will have the world’s best lemonade from $0 and 0 ingredients.

Now, as you can see, there are probably better ways to spend your time than to illegally fly to England to get a magic wand to mind-control a random Italian, just like there are better ways to spend your time than to look up how to win back your ex. It is very much a cliche to say that he (or she) is the one missing out, but why waste your time trying to get someone back who didn’t see your value? If he or she cheated, he doesn’t deserve you. If you cheated, you probably were unhappy already. Or maybe you’re not meant to be monogamous. That’s okay too, but be honest with yourself. If things fell apart, it’s because of both of you.

When you read these articles over and over and over again, they repeatedly tell you all the things you did wrong. Did you text him or her all the time? Did you stop listening to them? Did you give up your own life? Yes, these are things that will make you unhappy… but you did them because of being with that person! They were the cause, not the cure, so spend your time elsewhere. And don’t take the 30-day no contact period to go to the gym every day, eat healthy, and then see he has a new girlfriend and think nothing is worth it anymore. Keep going to the gym, not for him, but for you. Keep writing and reading and cooking and making lemonade (legally, of course) and doing fun outdoorsy things, not for him, but for you. And stop blaming yourself. Relationships start with two people, and they end with two people.

One day, whether in a month or a year, you’ll be able to make the world’s best lemonade with ease and joy. You’ll have the ingredients and the money. You can fly to Italy if you so desire, and not in someone’s luggage. And life will be sweeter than ever.