How You’ve Already Fucked Up Your New Years Resolution, Based on Your Zodiac Sign

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I imagine you were lied to and were told that in 2018, everything that you have worked for will finally be achieved. Well, last time you checked your watch, and you check it quite frequently, it’s halfway through January so where the fuck is this success? Where is the accomplishment? Where is the financial stability? Well, because you’re so impatient, you’re New Years is already off to a bad start because you actually believed these things magically occur following the strike of a clock.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

This was the year you promised yourself that you would change and improve your character for the better. Maybe you strived to be less of a bitch. Maybe you strived to eat better. Whatever that goal of self improvement may be, two weeks into the New Years you pretty much decided that this was useless. Why waste so much energy changing who you are? You like your flawed ways. Fuck it, right?

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

This was supposed to be the year where you work on being alone with you. Getting to know you without having to constantly surround yourself with company. But at this point you’re just bored. There is so much to fuck up and do wrong, so why not do it with your best friend by your side? You can’t get it done alone.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You told yourself that spinsterhood was no longer your domain. That in 2018 you will finally meet the love of your life. Well, two weeks of unshaven pits later and you’ve tossed in the towel. You gave 2018 two weeks to present a partner to you and where the fuck is he? Where is the person who is supposed to sweep you off your feet? Fuck it, it’s nice not having to shave, and dating is exhausting anyway.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

You were going to cut all the backstabbing, Brutus bitches in your life but then remembered that some of those backstabbers do have their pros. Maybe they have a nice place, money to throw, food, power. You’re willing to put up with their bullshit if it means you’re getting something out of it. Biting your tongue is a skill you’ve mastered at this point.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Financial security is something we all strive for but you have to really work at making sure you don’t spend into debt. 2018 is here, you told yourself that you would be more conscious when it came to spending money and actually save for something meaningful. That resolution ended as soon as the year end sales came rushing in. How could you not take advantage? Oh well. 2019 will be here eventually.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Finally, you will be the bigger person. 2018 was the year where you would turn a cheek and recognize that you’re better than petty skirmishes. You’re better than the drama. It is something not to stress over. Ha! But you my friend have far too much to say than to just let it go. They fucked up and you have to do something about it.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

It’s not easy admitting when you’re wrong but in 2018, you told yourself that you will finally own up to any wrong that you do. But then again why? 2018 just started and here you find yourself, trapped in the same ways. Old habits die hard.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Life is too short to spend it doing something not worthwhile. You will take everyday as a chance to take your own breath away… but then again it’s cold, and your bed is comfy, and you have food and Netflix. What else does one need? That’s technically seizing the day, right? Binge watching Stranger Things is a form of carpe diem, right?

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

You work so damn hard but it’s time to realize that there are other important things in life that don’t relate to your career. So you promised you wouldn’t obsess over your job, you would choose family and friends and experiences over work… But what about that promotion, and the money, and the achievement of being able to gloat about your success? Family and friends and experiences won’t get you that.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

This year you will ignore all the negative things that affect you. You won’t hold on to hatred or grudges. You will finally wipe the slate clean internally and start fresh with yourself and everybody else… But wait! That one bitch still owes you for that time you covered for her! Okay, you’ll wipe the slate clean once you get what’s yours from the people who owe you.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

No more putting the things that matter on hold. No more setting projects aside. No more procrastinating. You realized that you have a lot of work to do and it’s time to get it done. But you’ll start after one more episode of this show. But you can’t start until you drink your coffee, you need coffee to work. Also, you need a nap, you’re feeling a little worn. Fuck it, just start it tomorrow. But Monday is a good day to do things so start Monday.