How To Be Too Cool For Everything

Don’t give a shit.
About anything.
Be totally chill about everything.
Pizza!!!
Don’t use exclamation points, though.
Lame.
Don’t get too excited about anything.
Remain meh.
Be just meh about everything.
Fuck it all.
Give zero fucks.
Watch Netflix until your eyes bleed.
Stay at home.
Do nothing.
Cancel plans on friends who care about you.
“Rain check!”
Rain check your way out of friendships.
Fuck it!
Give zero fucks!
Oh wait, no exclamation points.
Sorry.
Be over everything.
E V E R Y T H I N G.
Be like, ewwww feelings.
Be like, ewwww sentiment.
Be like, ewwww poetry.
Be like, ewwww genuine displays of emotional responses.
Stop caring about shit.
Be chill.
Whatever.
Meh.
Be a little bit of bitter.
A little bit of jaded.
Hate everything.
Including people.
Especially people.
They’re the worst!
Oh, sorry.
They’re the worst.
People.
Ugh.
Meh.
Pizza.
Be a little rude.
Because rude is cool.
Be snarky.
Because snarky is cool.
Who’s kind?
Not cool people.
Talk shit on other people.
Judge.
Judge.
Judge.
Never say something real.
Being real is lame.
Being earnest is lame.
Being hopeful is lame.
Why hope?
Hope is for suckers.
And deeply uncool people.
But, whatever.
It’s meh.
It’s all meh.
Meh.
Hate yourself, but like, comically.
Write this post, but like, ironically.
Try too hard to look like you’re not trying hard.
Care too much about looking like you don’t care at all.
Judge (yourself).
Feel uncomfortable.
Judge (others).
Feel better,
…But just for a moment.
A moment.
Before it begins again.
Ugh!
No.
Ugh.

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