I Am More Than The Girl Of Your Dreams


You say that you have a dream girl. The idea of a girl who is exactly what you want. From the shape of her body, to her voice, the silk of her hair, and the way she’ll caress down your chest with her warm fingertips. But I am here instead. I am more than the idea of a girl you don’t remember when you wake in the morning. I am the vivid reality. The one who shows you how the gentle light of dawn and the dark of midnight feel simultaneously.

You dream of purity and a gentle smile.

But I have been through experiences that have put dark splotches on the white that my soul used to be. My body has trekked through fire and ice. I have been burned and frostbitten. I have scars on the surface of my skin and deeper. My mind has seen the unfortunate, and I’ve explored the deep caves that drip in sadness. My smile is either too wide, or it is nonexistent, in the moments where my darker days rush back to me. I am no longer the infant angel I was born as. I am a warrior who has fought her way to where I am now. I am made of shades of blue and purple on my elbows and knees. There is no pearl sheen, no rainbow glow. I am the deep, twilight abyss of sapphires and amethysts. But my love is a ruby that I hold for you in my cavernous heart.

I know that you want perfection. The perfect partner, who beams and smiles at your everything.

You want someone who won’t give you a hard time. Someone who is sheer bliss and sunshine. But I am harder and I have more depth. I am someone who will challenge you. I will present to you situations that make you question yourself, question us. I will pull you close when the air is warm, and the sun’s coronas beat into our skin. But I’ll push you away when it rains and show you what it’s like to be alone. I’m not capable of smiles and 100 percent happiness. I will sob in your shower, and I’ll cry into your shoulder. The moment you decide it’s too much, too hard, I will show you how much I’ll fight for us. I’ll show you how much you need the ups and downs, and how much you’ve learned, and how you don’t only hold me up, but I hold you up too.

You want forever. I do too. You want to find your other half. But I am not half; I am whole all on my own.

And my wholeness is what you dare to take on. Learn of my individualism and independence. You trace the balsamic moon tattooed on my spine, and you wonder if there is more. And there is, I promise. I am always the full moon, but I don’t show it all like the other girls did for you. I am a naked shoulder in your giant t-shirt, or a side glance and a smirk when we’re in a crowd. I’ll show you that our forever isn’t about finding your other half, the one who completes you. It’s finding the heart to coexist with. I can’t be the sun for you. The sun sets in the evenings and goes to shine elsewhere. But the moon remains fixed, always towards us, towards you. Whether I am visible, or shrouded by shadows, I’m always there with you.

I am the girl of your dreams, but I am also the girl of your reality. The one you wake up to, and turn over in bed to watch, as her eyes are closed and her hair is crazed and wild. I am the girl sleeping silently on the other end of your bed, and the girl you’re reminded of every morning. 

I’m real and I am yours, in your dreams and in real life.