I Am Not A Good Person

Maybe I’m not a good person because I am never going to forgive you. The phrase it’s okay is never going to come out of my mouth because what you did is unforgivable. It doesn’t matter how many years pass. It doesn’t matter how fully I heal from my trauma. I am not going to accept any of your apologies. I am not going to act like everything you did was for the best. Yes, there is probably a silver lining to what happened between us. Yes, I learned a lot from our fucked up relationship. But that does not mean it was for the best. That is bullshit. Fate did not force you to hurt me. You made that decision all on your own.

Maybe I’m not a good person because I don’t feel bad for you. I don’t worry about how you are coping without me or how long it takes you to fall asleep at night when your demons are haunting your dreams. I could not care less about what happens to you. It doesn’t matter that we have a past. You are dead to me. You have been erased from my phone and I am working on erasing you from my mind. I don’t want anything to do with you. Some people might consider me a bitch for acting so heartless, for pushing you away when you need me the most, but I have had enough. I gave you enough chances over the years. You don’t get anymore, no matter what happens.

Maybe I’m not a good person because there is a part of me that wants you to be unhappy. I am not going to go out of my way to hurt you. I am not going to concoct some scheme to get revenge. I am not going to actively make your world more miserable. But I hope you get what is coming to you. I hope you don’t continue to have things fall into your lap and live without consequences. I am waiting for karma to do its work. I am waiting for you to fall.

Maybe I’m not a good person because even the happy memories of you make me mad. I feel like you fooled me. You made me think you were one person when you were secretly living another life behind my back. I don’t even know the real you. I doubt you ever spoke a true thing in your life. All you do is manipulate and lie to get what you want without any regard for the people around you.

Maybe I’m not a good person because you turned me into someone cold and calculated. This is your fault, even though you are never going to take the blame, you are never going to admit you were even partially wrong. If you would have treated me right, then I would have remained sweet and positive, trusting and trustworthy. But now I am skeptical and cynical, paranoid and anxious.

Maybe I’m not a good person because I mean it when I say I don’t love you anymore.