I Am Slowly Learning To Free Myself

Do you believe we’re born with the knowledge it takes to hurt ourselves or do you believe it’s thrust upon us and that maybe we can give it all back?

I thought holding myself accountable for everything that was wrong in my world could save me. I thought harsh words could motivate me. I thought setting an alarm for 6AM and tagging a note to it that read, “get up you stupid bitch or you’ll look ugly today” would actually help me wake up in the morning.

I believed the only way for me to reach the day where I fully accepted myself was to completely reject myself until I got there. But now I understand, I wasn’t helping myself at all. I was only hurting myself. I was only destroying myself. I was only exhausting myself from becoming a better version of myself. I was only setting myself up for failure while constantly assuring myself failure could never an option.

But now, at 25 years old, I am finally unlearning all of that and instead, slowly learning that life doesn’t have to be battle verses only myself.

I am slowly learning that self-hatred isn’t motivation. I am learning that calling myself derogatory names doesn’t make me any more likely to become a better person. I am learning to take the word ‘just’ out of my vocabulary when describing myself. I am learning that I am not just a woman or just a friend or just a human struggling to survive.

And mostly, I am slowly learning that I am worthy of a second chance at this lifetime.

I am slowly learning that loving myself isn’t selfish. I am slowly learning to take care of myself as I always try and take care of others. I am slowly learning to forgive myself as easily as I forgive a friend or any loved one that I trust is doing the best they can, just as I am. I am slowly learning that my imperfections are not only ‘not all that I am’ but actually deserving of love and care.

I am learning that while there may always be room for self-improvement, there isn’t always room for the outright change of what lies within me. I am slowly learning that I am not a robot and that changing the way I feel isn’t as simple as giving myself a cold-hearted command to be better.

I am slowly learning that to a certain extent, I am who I am. And it’s probably who I’ve always been. And I am slowly learning that is okay. I am slowly learning that I am the first person I should keep a promise to. I am slowly learning that nobody on this entire planet knows me better than I do and that when I finally take care of myself, it will only be then that I can really take care of others.

I am slowly learning there is never room for self-hatred or unreasonable self-doubt. There is no room for dread or worry over the things that I cannot change. There is no room for the overwhelming regret of my past mistakes. I am learning that I can help myself without hating myself. I am learning that it is possible to learn from my past without dwelling on it for the rest of my life.

I am slowly learning to give myself the love that I so desperately crave from others.

I am slowly learning that I am me. I am learning that the bad thoughts I think about myself don’t always belong to me, but to the people who have once hurt me. I am learning that I can give those negative thoughts back to their original owners. I am learning that I might be more durable than I ever imagined before.

I am learning that the woman I am today is someone to be proud of and cherished and I am slowly learning to accept her completely.

And then all this learning got me thinking…is this what it feels like to be free?