I Didn’t Think I Could Lose My Person

You were my person.

I’m going to move on because I know I have to, and because this isn’t a Nicholas Sparks novel. Because I don’t have a widow’s wharf to stand upon, and because you’re not a sailor lost at sea. You made a decision to walk away, and I understand what that means.

I hope you understand in the darkest recesses of my mind you were my person, even if I was never yours. When the night is at its quietest, or snowy day at their most still, when I’ve traveled and things within me I didn’t even know existed have shifted in a way that allow me to breath more deeply and comfortably my heart will always expand with the thought of you. It may be for a moment, if may be for an hour. Maybe one day it will stop happening, I do not know.

What I do know is the most intimate and precious of our memories are burned into my mind. They hang from my skin like delicate lace. I feel them; I see them less and less every day. Once in awhile though, I remember your lips on my neck, your fingers in between mine, the swell of your laugh beside me and I wonder if you were happy, if you are happy now. You were my person so I hope you are, even if it is not with me.

It’s been awhile now, and I didn’t think I’d ever move forward. I still remember the nights that felt like molasses poured over my eyes, drying cement over my chest. My skin was hot and sticky with regret. Sometimes my throat still clogs with all the words I wish I could say, but I am learning to let go. I am tired of not having somebody to call home. And I realize now in life, mind, and heart, sometimes people collect their things, leave their memories, and move. They don’t always give an explanation. Sometimes they can’t collect their deposit. Always the empty heart, the same in shape and size as it was before the lover entered, is somehow different after vacated. It is left softer, harder, twisted, filled with flowers and light, shy and yearning all at the same time.

Like every home emptied and forgotten, eventually it is ready for somebody new. I didn’t think I could lose you, but I did. I don’t think my heart can hold two, maybe it will.