I Didn’t Want To Believe You Were That Kind Of Guy


I didn’t want to believe you were that guy. All this time. For years. I fought with myself. I felt guilty for at times assuming you were that guy. I tore at my own heart when I went to those dark places and felt those dark feelings. All the while my instincts were burning. I chose to ignore them. I fought with myself about who you were.

I believed in a better you.

You did not live up to that man. You were everything I feared that you were. You hurt me in every way I assumed you would. All of it was true. Everything I worried about. Everything I wrestled with. Those negative thoughts. Those dark places. They were not negative. They were not dark. They were truth trying to get my attention and for years I told them to shut up and sit down.

I should have listened.

Now I know who you are. What you were doing. The things you are capable of. And I feel sick inside. Awful. Partly because my worst nightmare has come true and partly because I always knew it. I’m not sure which hurts worse. Being wrong. Or being right.

And now as I stand here amidst the ruins. I wonder, could I have seriously avoided this? I am not sure. I fell so hard for you, but it wasn’t because you convinced me to. It was because I chose to. So those are two different things. One is being led and the other one is running and jumping. Willingly. And I did that. I chose to love you. I chose to hang on. I chose to believe you. I chose.

I didn’t have the wool pulled over my eyes, I saw everything.

Loving you was just me lost in a daydream. I created you. I created us. And I lived there as long as I could until the walls started caving in. Until I woke up from that dream sweating, shaking, convulsing.

Heartbreak that we cause ourselves is hard to manage. I can’t hate you. You always showed me and told me what a clown you were. I can’t hate me either because I genuinely wanted to believe. So I don’t hate. And I am not crying. Because the dream is over. I can’t ever go back into it the same way again. Have you ever woken up from an amazing dream and tried to go back? You can’t. So I won’t. I will just move on. Hoping that someday I dream again.