I Don’t Have Baby Fever And I Think My Friends Are Genuinely Confused About It


Today I went to a one-year-old’s birthday party. There was no alcohol. I sat amongst a sea of new mothers Oohing and Awing over poofy pink dresses and princess crowns. I listened to numerous conversations about breastfeeding and Diaper Genies. Did I mention there was no alcohol?

As I sat silently watching the chaos unfold all around me, a relative asked me if I wanted to hold her newborn. I quickly replied, “No thanks, I’m good,” but judging by the look on her face, you would have thought I announced my devotion to Satan. Several other people also seemed horrified by my response. I guess telling a room full of new mothers that you aren’t really interested in the one thing that consumes their entire life doesn’t get you picked first in gym class.

I didn’t see the big deal. If she was already over holding her own baby why I was supposed to be ecstatic about her passing it off on me? What was so horrible about not wanting to hold what had been spitting up on everyone for the last hour? I’m sorry, but I just didn’t see the appeal of ruining my new sweater, and I definitely didn’t think it was fair that I was being treated like a redheaded step child for feeling this way.

The entire roomful of women seemed befuddled by the fact that, I didn’t have baby fever. Maybe I was sick that day in health class when they explained since if you possess a vagina you must have an insatiable desire to reproduce. I wonder how the women would have felt if I told them my ovaries shriveled up and died the very moment their child threw a shit fit of Veruca Salt proportions over having to wear pants.

I’m not saying I hate children or that I may never warm up to the idea of having kids. After all, if my thoughts or opinions never changed I would still think Silverchair was the greatest band of all time. However, I can definitely confirm that at this point in my life I prefer having clean clothes and nice things. I like to stay up late, sleep in, and nap. I enjoy taking long showers and using the bathroom without an audience. Plus, most nights I am too tired to cook myself dinner so unless a newborn wants to eat cold Chinese take out directly out of the box because I’m too lazy to empty the dishwasher, I just don’t see a current situation working out.

I know I am not the only person who feels this way. I have lots of friends who have actively chosen to not have kids who are constantly being hounded about their decision. People need to remember that it is not easy, and it is not for everyone. Even my friends who have willingly dedicated themselves to parenthood still need to keep their liquor cabinets fully stocked.

Next time you are about to give your childless friends a speech on the joys of motherhood, remember the same way you don’t care for cats, some people don’t care for children. Both are selfish assholes who will ruin everything you love. If you own either, you will adore them and find everything they do adorable regardless, but try to understand not everyone wants to test that theory.

If you can’t even keep a plant alive, don’t feel one ounce of remorse about deciding not to have children. If kids simply aren’t your thing, don’t have them because you feel obligated. Every person who will not be getting robbed or murdered in 18 years will thank you.