I Don’t Know What The Fuck I Want From You

I understand that we don’t fit together the way a healthy couple should. That a relationship would never work between us. So why the hell do I keep chasing after you?

Do I stay for the sex? No, it’s more than physical. I’d choose to be around you, even if it meant that I was forced to go without your soft lips and calloused hands. Even if it meant I never felt your warm touch again.

Do I want friendship, then? No, of course not. I want so much more than friendship. High fives and inside jokes just aren’t enough. I could never stand on the sidelines and watch you kiss another girl, marry another girl. It would kill me. I want you all to myself.

I can’t accept your love. I don’t want your friendship. And I need more than just your body.

Well, then what the hell am I looking for, if I know a relationship between us won’t work? Am I hoping to defy the odds, to make you my boyfriend — and eventually my husband — even though common sense promises that we’re going to fall apart before the six month mark.

Or am I only seeking your approval? Am I hoping that you’ll fall hard for me, so I’m not the one longing for a change? So I can be the one to say, no, this isn’t right, we don’t belong together. The one to walk away. The one with all of the power.

Do I need you to admit how much you want me, so I can feel accomplished? So I can feel closure?

I don’t know. I really don’t.

I don’t know what the fuck I want from you, and honestly, I don’t want to think about it.

I don’t want to think about tomorrow. I don’t to think about what our kisses mean. I don’t want to worry. I just want to submerge myself in happiness, to splash around in it.

Because, even though I don’t know what I want from you, I know that I’m happy when I’m around you. I feel flirty. I feel fun. I feel alive.

When I’m around you, I’m not stressed about my messy hair or scrambling to figure out what to say next. I’m not too shy to lean a head on your shoulder or to balance on your lap. I’m comfortable. And comfort is a rarity for me.

I don’t want to say goodbye to our arrangement. So I’m not going to think too much. I’m not going to read into what we are. I’m not going to define the relationship for as long as you let me. For as long as we’re happy doing whatever the hell it is we’ve been doing.

I don’t know what I want from you, but I know you make me happy. Is that such a bad thing?