I Don’t Regret My Past Because It Made Me Who I Am Today

By

Trigger warning: depression

I don’t regret the past. I don’t regret the tears. I don’t regret the pain.

I sat in the depths of my darkest days — the light nowhere to be found, tears blurring my vision, a hollowness that created an echo for fears to ring through.

You’re not strong.

You’re not enough.

The world would be better without you.

I’d sit on the floor of my room and cry for every and no reason all at once until the numbness came. I’d feel nothing. And that was scarier than any sort of feeling.

For a long time, I silently suffered. I saw no hope. I saw no future.

But I realized this wasn’t life. I realized this stifling pain wasn’t a form of living — it was a form of existing. And I didn’t want to simply exist. I didn’t want to feel this way forever.

And amidst the darkness, I decided I had to make a choice: stay in a place of numb hopelessness or fight for my future.

And I thank the universe that I chose the latter.

I chose myself and a better future that I had to believe could somehow happen. I started seeing a therapist, reached out to my best friend, and told my parents about my depression.

I chose to put in the work. I started to journal. I began meditating. I realized I hated meditating and instead opted for breathwork. I did all the woo woo shit you see in magazines and influencers’ Instagrams. Some of it stuck. Some of it didn’t.

I stumbled, I bled, I hurt, but I rose. Slowly, I began to lift myself out of the darkness and into a world where I could see possibilities for myself. One with hope — something I couldn’t see for so long.

The process was slow, but it happened. I can’t write it out step by step — I truly believe the process looks different for everyone. But somewhere amongst the walks along the beach, journaling, and writing my feelings for the world to read, I began to heal.

I started to reflect on my life and realized my pains slowly vanished; my insecurities slipped away.

Through choosing myself, I unknowingly became a stronger, awakened version of myself I never imagined becoming.

And because of that, I don’t regret the darkness. Amongst the darkness, a light shone.

That light revealed the woman I was always meant to become.