I Don’t Talk Much (But I Think Too Much)

Instead of involving myself in conversations, I gravitate to the background. I prefer listening to speaking. I’m a fan of people watching because there is less pressure being a spectator.

Even though I seem quiet, even though I usually don’t have much to say in group settings, my mind goes a mile per minute. My brain never shuts off. I am always thinking about something. I never get a second of silence inside of my mind.

I have a lot of opinions which is why it’s sometimes hard for me not to voice them. There are times when I’m dying to jump into a conversation to give my opinion but my overthinking gets the best of me.

I don’t want to cut anyone off so I will wait for a silence, for my cue to speak — but by the time that happens, the conversation has already shifted. The topic has changed and I feel like there is no point in resurrecting the previous topic so I can speak. Instead, I’ll remain quiet and hate myself for missing my opportunity to add to the conversation.

There are other times when I have the perfect opportunity to speak but my insecurities get the best of me and I have trouble finding the words I want to use. I clam up when the spotlight shines on me. I never know how to tell a story in a funny, engaging way. I might start off semi-confident but if someone looks away from me or steals a glance at their phone then I will assume I’m boring them and cut my speaking short.

The last thing I want is to annoy anyone. I would rather look rude by hovering in the corner than risk embarrassing myself by putting myself out there. I’m too nervous to take chances. I’m not brave enough. 

I wish that I was a social butterfly. I wish that I could speak without fearing what others will think about me. I wish that my brain gave me a chance to relax once in a while but my paranoid thoughts never stop.

I will spend too much time thinking about what to say next. Too much time thinking about what to wear tomorrow. Too much time thinking about whether I am overthinking.

I always have a million different things on my mind. I have so much that I want to say but the words get stuck in my throat. That’s why the people who I love the most of all have no idea what they mean to me. I’m not sure how to get my point across. I’m not sure how to express how much I love them, how much I care about them, how I would do anything in the world for them.

My overthinking stops me from expressing myself. It warns me that I might embarrass myself if I start getting sentimental so I never let myself speak. I hold myself back instead. I keep to myself instead. I lock all of my thoughts inside of my head until they drive me crazy.