I Don’t Want To Disappoint You

I know you like me — or maybe I should say you think you like me. You like the girl you see in public. You like the girl who is all smiles and laughter. The girl who does not burst into random tears, who does not suffer from spontaneous fits of sadness.

You like the girl I pretend to be when other people are watching — but I am not like that all the time.

When I’m alone in my bedroom, when I’m with close friends I can trust, when I’m comfortable expressing myself, then a different side of me appears. One that is self-conscious, unsure, and unhappy.

I am not always going to be in the mood to joke around with you. I am not always going to want to have sex with you and make-out with you and flirt with you like you are the only thing in the world that matters.

Sometimes I am going to shut down, close myself off. Sometimes I am going to want to be alone. When I get into those moods, you can try to cheer me up, but nothing will help. I won’t find anything to smile about and that might frustrate you. That might turn you off.

Since you have only seen a single side of me, I am worried about disappointing you. I am worried about letting my guard down, letting you see the real me, and then having you run away, disgusted by the truth. By the me I keep hidden from the rest of the world.

I don’t want you to decide to date me and then feel like you were ripped off, like I was misleading you, like you don’t even know who I am anymore.

The girl that you claim to like is real, she isn’t entirely pretend, but she isn’t the whole story either. She isn’t the person I am most of the time.

Most of the time, I’m quiet. I’m selfish. I’m trapped inside of my own head. I’m not always bubbly and loud, not always smiling and optimistic.

So far I have only shown you the best version of myself because I really like you. I wanted to impress you. I wanted you to view me as someone worthy of your time and affection.

But now that I have gotten that far, now that you are interested, I am worried about disappointing you. I am worried about what you will think when you see the real me.

I feel stuck, because I don’t want to scare you away when you mean so much to me — but I don’t want to keep you at a distance either. I don’t want to keep pretending while you’re standing right in front of me. I want to be my authentic self around you. I want to let my walls down for you.

I feel like you are worth the risk, but I hope I’m not wrong. I hope I don’t end up disappointing you. I hope you don’t end up walking away like everybody else.