I Fell For You Even When I Tried Not To


There is not a moment that goes by that I don’t think about you.

I wonder if we ever think of each other at the same time, wondering what the other is thinking about. Are you thinking about me? Do you ever think about me? Why would you think about me? I’m not special. There’s no twinkle in my eye. Or maybe there is. Maybe you see that in me. Because I see it in you.

When you speak, I get lost in every single word, trying to soak up as much of you as I can. It’s intoxicating. Because when you speak, I see the passion you have. The way your hands move and emphasize every word you speak.

Your hands.

I want them around me. Wrapping me up, engulfing me into every fiber of your being. When I walk away from you, I miss you instantly. I have to force myself to leave your presence. I have to be careful about how many times I bring up your name to other people. Because when I do, I’m worried they’ll find out. That they’ll see right through me. But you’re the one I want to see right through me.

I want to tell you my darkest thoughts. My happiest thoughts. All of my thoughts.

You’re my first thought when I wake up. My last thought as I drift into a slumber, hoping it’ll be such a deep sleep that you’ll show up in my dreams. After all, that’s where you live. Where the best parts of you live. Or at least the parts of you I want you to be live. The one I want to be with. Because I can’t be with the real you. There’s no way.

It won’t ever happen.

The moments I cherish aren’t real. Just like us. We will never be real. The moments where we’re together on the bed and you pull me into your arms and tell me how stunning I am. How in awe of me you are. I know this isn’t real because no one would ever be in awe of me. There is nothing to marvel at when it comes to me.

But you, you are a marvel.

A person I’m not sure how I’ve lived without. You showed me one important thing that no one has showed me before. You showed me that I’m important, that there’s a reason I’m here. You made me feel seen, made me feel like the world was lucky to have me. And I don’t know if anyone will ever make me feel that way again.

You make me want to be better, not for you, not to impress you. But because I want to be better after being near you. Being near you makes everything feel electric. I feel alive when our eyes meet from a distance, and for a moment, it’s just the two of us.

No one else is there. No one else matters.

And for that split second, I’m in bliss, and I wonder if you feel it. Because sometimes you look me in the eyes for a little too long to not feel it too. It’s in those moments you looked at me like there was something worth looking at. And I wonder if in another life you would’ve fallen for me as hard as I’ve fallen for you in this one. I fell for you in more ways than I can count. In more ways that I can wrap my head around.

I fell for you when I tried every way not to.

There will come a day where we aren’t in each other’s lives.

And I hope it doesn’t destroy me, but I also hope that it does.