I Got Downsized


Recently, I got downsized. Boy, did that suck! Now, I’m looking for a new job. Mostly, I’m a writer, so this isn’t easy. Although, I have also discovered there are other ways one can make money these days. Here are a few of them.

1. Sell My Underpants. Not long after I got downsized, I got an email. The email read: “$1,000 paid via paypal for your used panties – Multiple pairs….” I have never sold my used underpants before, I considered. Maybe now would be a good time to start? After all, a grand for my unwashed panties is nothing to slouch at. I am familiar with this practice already, as I have seen porn stars do it. One time, I watched while a porn star stuck her already-been-worn underwear into zip lock bags and them sent them to some guy who had paid for them. It really doesn’t seem that difficult. So far, I haven’t sold my underpants, but who knows what tomorrow will hold?

2. Work for Tafik. Yesterday, I got this email: “Dear, I could use you on my staff. If interested kindly attach your CV and salary requirements. Tafik.” Who was Tafik? Why did he call me dear? What did this mysterious job entail? Moving to Brunei? Joining a harem? Marrying Tafik? Should I simply reject Tafik for his enigmatic job offer, or should I explore all possibilities, even ones that may convert me from a human being into international sex chattel? It’s too early to rule anything out. While job searching, one must keep an open mind.

3. Be a Waitress. I didn’t really like being a waitress. Mostly, that’s because for at least 50 percent of the time, you are trading in the business of other people’s chewed up food. Looking down at a plate you are returning to the kitchen and noting that your thumb is approximately one inch from a chewed-up wad of what used to be filet mignon is gag-inducing. Also: No-slip shoes are unsightly. Basically, I would rather decapitate myself with a butter knife than go back to waitressing, but the rent isn’t going to pay itself. Or is it?

4. Turn into Julia Allison. Sometimes, I read Julia Allison’s blog. I find this simultaneously embarrassing and perplexing. Why do I do it? I don’t know. Something about her fascinates me. It’s not her boobs. Perhaps it is her relentless self-marketing. Or maybe it is her boobs. I decide I will become famous by lifecasting, hook up with a presidential wanna-be’s son, and wear pearls while I do the dishes. This is my new plan, I conclude. Then, I get tired and take another nap, dreaming that I am swimning across a pool with my dead father. Life is a mystery.

5. Finish That Novel. I’ve been writing a novel for what feels like infinity. It’s about a federal agent searching for a missing porn star. Things the novel has: sex, violence, porn. Based on those three factors, it is sure to be a bestseller, regardless of quality. Last night, I watched a movie called “Enter the Void,” which you really should watch. It led me to have a great revelation about my novel. This is what I would like to do with my time. Write a novel. But there are other considerations. Like buying zip lock bags, reading Julia Allison, and packing for the Sultan.

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