I Hate Coffee


My brain after I’ve had a cup of coffee

Emailing: OMG, I LOVE to answer emails. GIVE ME MORE. Ugh, I can’t get enough. I also love the sound of my fingers hitting the keys on my laptop. It sounds like I’m stomping on a bug. God, bugs are gross. I love to kill them. Is that bad? OMG, someone just sent me another email. Answered prayers!

When my mom calls: I’m so excited! My mom is calling me! I’m not going to ignore it this time. No sirrie. I want to talk to her because I love her so much. I really do. I was in that woman’s vagina for nine freaking months (FIRST AND LAST, BY THE WAY) so the least I could do is pick up her phone call!

Hopes for the day: I’m going to conquer the world! I’m going to cure world hunger! I’m going to call my old friend from middle school to say what’s up. I’m going to have the best poop of my life in about five seconds!

Feelings about personal attractiveness: I look and feel cracked out but I. DON’T. CARE.

My brain before I’ve had a cup of coffee

Emailing: Wait, can these stop? Seriously. Just stop. I can’t answer of all these.

When my mom calls: Dear God. I can’t run THAT marathon today. She’s going to ask me all of these questions that I don’t have the answers to and I’m just going to feel overwhelmed. I can’t. Please phone. Stop ringing. Every time you do, I feel just a little bit more like a churlish child.

Hopes for the day: I just hope I don’t die. Or fall asleep at work. Maybe if I’m feeling super ambitious, I’ll make it to the deli for some candy.

Feelings about personal attractiveness: CAN YOU BELIEVE PEOPLE HAVE SEX WITH ME SOMETIMES?

So I hate coffee. It makes me feel nauseous and need to poop and my breath stinks and sometimes I start twitching. New York City runs on uppers though so I needed to just bite the bullet and start my day with a cup of crack like everyone else. You know what’s super embarrassing though? Since I seriously despise the taste of it, I need to get coffee drinks that are loaded with chocolate and milk, which is obviously mortifying. Whenever I’m with a real coffee drinker, I have to whisper to the barista my order of an iced mocha or latte (with skim obvs) because I’m just so ashamed. Meanwhile, they wolf down their pure espresso drink like it’s a bag of beautiful dicks. I don’t get it. How does one actually enjoy the taste of it? And you know what’s even more mind-boggling? People who switch to decaf. WTF? Why? If you aren’t getting the crack then what’s the point? Drink a glass of water for god sakes!

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image – dyobmit